Universal Championship Co-MVP The (real) Agitator
Well before Incipiat Turba official defeated the universe for ultimate victory back in March of 2002, it was clear that The Agitator was awesome well beyond anything else the universe had to offer. Many tried, but they continually failed to stack up.
The Agitator has such success because of his incredible dedication to turbulence. His on again off again relationship with the media (by that I mean his infrequent updates to the site) shouldn’t detract from his Jerry Rice-like work ethic for improving his turbulence game.
Already putting up very impressive “Oh my god, look at that idiot!” scores with the mullet wig on, The Agitator took it upon himself to step it up to the next level and sacrifice his own hair for an actual mullet. You just can’t teach that sort of thing.
What has more comedic value than Frampton Comes Alive? TWO copies of Frampton Comes Alive. Most normal people wouldn’t even have the power to hold two copies at once, but The Agitator was protected by his mullet.
The Agitator even took his show to Las Vegas with the ultimate in comedic hairstyles, the comb-over. There’s just no topping that, so don’t hurt yourself trying.
Because being funny looking isn’t everything (I, FMK, should know), I figured I’d round out the tribute with some of my favorite Agitator quotes:
- “We are definitely going the wrong way. Unless it’s opposite day, which it’s not… which means it still could be…” This was said during our raft trip as our raft drifted away from where we wanted to go. He seemed to be talking to himself, but the opposite day comment still makes me laugh.
- “How much did you pay for that suit to look not as good as me?” At Gooncon 2k4x5 there was some dude with a real suit on. The Agitator wanted to make sure that guy knew that The Agitator got his fly threads from a thrift store and still looked much cooler than everyone else.
- “You have to hum into it! You’re a moron!” The accidental highlight in the video intended to capture the glory of my two pound cheeseburger consumption. In the background, Jared fails to play the victory music on the kazoo and embarrasses himself.
- “Yeah, I did the homework. Or did I?” Incipiat Turba has always followed the motto “When there’s nobody left to confuse, confuse yourself,” but The Agitator decided to confuse everyone including himself after going back and forth on whether or not he did the homework. Nobody knew if he did it, if he was joking or what was going on. Legend has it that everyone present was late for class that morning because of the extreme levels of #3.
-”What the fuck?! You don’t trust me? I am the most goddamn trustworthy motherfuckin’ lawyer there is, and if you think my client is going to ditch me because some two-bit Nigerian money laundering hack tells him he doesn’t trust me, well you’ve got another thing coming.” All of The Agitator’s material posing as Incipiat Turba’s legal eagle William Preston was funny, but that quote in particular is all-time funny to me.