Communist Bowling

Bowlers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your turns.


Revolutionary Development In Bowling!

It’s no secret that we at Incipiat Turba enjoy the sport of bowling. Since Turbulence Funday 2 in July 2000, bowling has been a consistently delicious staple of our turbulence diet. Nothing gets us in the mood for falling down, dancing around, yelling like lunatics, and generally making embarrassing spectacles of ourselves quite like bowling. However, we have discovered the next generation of bowling, which combines two of our favorite things, bowling and the overthrow of the bourgeois by the proletariat. We like to call it, simply, Communist Bowling.

The first recorded instance of Communist Bowling being played was on August 10th, 2002, at Crestview Lanes in Sacramento, California. You can view the score sheet for that historic occasion here. The rules are simple and pretty self-explanatory:

I. Bowler names should be fake, but should have a specific theme. Past ideas and potential future ideas include Communist Dictators, obscure U.S. presidents, Canadian prime ministers, notorious criminals, and has-been television and film actors. The possibilities are endless. Be creative.

II. Each player rolls one ball per turn.

III. A modest, attainable goal should be set for the total team score.

IV. Red bowling balls should be used whenever possible.

As you can see the rules of Communist Bowling emphasize communal cooperation and teamwork. We have found that weak players enjoy Communist Bowling because it minimizes potential embarrassment from low scores. It also tends to keep people more engaged in the game, with less downtime between turns. Also, even otherwise serious players enjoy Communist Bowling because it encourages deviation from normal styles of play. Commie Bowling is a great diversion from commercialism, consumerism, and competitiveness in this cold, cruel, cynical world.

Since that fateful day, Communist Bowling has been taking the nation and the world by storm. We don’t actually know of anyone else who has engaged in Communist Bowling yet, but we hope it happens soon. So go Communist Bowling today, get a copy of your score, and send it in here, so we can post it and spread the good news about the rise of Communist Bowling!

Communist Bowling Experiments

  • September 14, 2002
    Out of tribute for FMK, one of the gurus of Commie Bowling, three pranksters showed up at Crestview Lanes and bowled as “Freaky,” “Metal,” and “Kid.” They fell far short of their goal for the perfect 300 in the first game and were just four points shy in the second game. Freaky led the scoring in the first game, while Metal took over in the second.
  • August 15, 2002
    This time, it was a nice assortment of notorious criminals who showed up, Albert Capone, John Gotti, Samuel Gravano, John Dillinger, Jesse James, and Richard Chase (serial killer from the Sacramento area). Capone showed everyone who was, quite literally, the mob boss, coming in at 135, while John Dillinger sucked it up at 88. The team easily surpassed their original goal of 600 and came within one point of their updated goal – 666.
  • August 11, 2002
    Fidel Castro, Mao Zedong, Joey Stalin, Ho Chi Minh, and Vladi Lenin joined forces to rock the socks off of Crestview Lanes. Incipiat Turba\’s Bowling Strike Force this day included a real live Soviet Communist! There was a lot of falling down as well.
  • August 10, 2002
    The first ever game of Communist Bowling featured Fidel Castro, Mao Zedong, Joey Stalin, and Ho Chi Minh. Ho Chi Minh outscored everyone by far with a 137, and the commune finished just two points over its established goal of 400.

    • More Progress For the Bowlers!

    “Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great [bowling] changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. [Bowling] progress can be measured exactly by the [bowling] position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included.” – Karl Marx

    It is well known that Incipiat Turba has struggled to improve the bowling conditions of the common man. One important issue has always been the ratio of play versus cost. The capitalist fat cats who control the lanes want to limit the amount of fun you can have for each game you pay for. We’ve always attempted to make sure that everyone, regardless of their abilities receive the good times they need. Incipiat Turba was the first party to come out firmly anti-strike (excepting of course in the 10th frame, wherein bonus turns can be won). The rich pigs would have you try to waste your balls twice as fast as you should! They’ve created this bogus illusion that rolling an anorexic 12 balls is bowling perfection. By putting the people first, we strive to roll no less than 20 balls per line. Unfortunately it is around this point where we reach a limit. No matter how solid a game one bowls, shooting Agitator classics left and right, we failed to break 21 rolls in a game. For the good of humanity, we went into the lab to see what could be done about this utility shortage:

    Alas, no real breakthroughs were made until Maximum Mayhem 2k4. Heathen, proving the words of K. Marx true, came through with some wicked feminine upheaval action. She successfully defeated the capitalist automatic ball return by rolling her balls way too gently. We learned from her that if one doesn’t give the ball enough momentum to push the mechanism behind the pins, the machine will not even realize that a ball has been rolled. This allows the people many extra chances to rise up and topple the pins of oppression.

    A slow approach is taken. With a weak flick the ball is tossed gently an inch or two vertically in the air from the release point (which should be pretty low). This vertical flick is meant to remove some of the energy from the ball. Most grown people (Heathen and SHB not included) will find it difficult to keep their speeds down without using some sort of inhibiting move as described. Normally we’d say religion and spirituality are opiates of the masses, but in the case of bowling, a certain voodoo magic is often helpful. Most people are aware of the usual pushing motions done to direct the ball left or right (a move also used in golf or perhaps long hits in baseball). To successfully redistribute the wealth of bowling turns as accomplished by the Heathen method one should employ a bouncing move with their legs. After the release of the ball, one should remain in the lunged position. As the ball rolls, a slight bobbing up and down in this position seems to encourage the failure of the bourgeois ball return.

    Video Lessons

    Here are some handy instructional videos for the working man to learn to bowl the right way:

    Proper Form

    Proper Form2

    Proper Form3

    Proper Form4

    Distance

    Flea Flicker