ASU lost to Oregon last night, as expected. They were competitive as they usually are, but couldn’t avoid their commitment to self harm. The refs weren’t particularly friendly, but the Sun Devils earned enough dumb penalties to take themselves out of the game. The worst part of the evening was how they seemed to totally give up at the end of the game. Down by two touchdowns with only 8 minutes remaining in the game, Erickson decided to punt the ball away rather than go for it on 4th and 2. He can’t be unaware of what happened to the coach before him (did this: http://articles.latimes.com/2006/oct/15/sports/sp-uscrep15, and was eventually fired).  Even when ASU finally got the ball back (now with 4 minutes left), they didn’t play with any urgency.  Had they scored quickly, there would’ve been a chance to recover an onside kick and try to tie the game.  Instead, they slowly moved up to the line and let the clock tick off.  The interception which sealed the game should have been caught for a touchdown, but the Sun Devils appeared to be resigned to defeat before that anyway.  That was very disappointing.

Dear Nike and Lisa Love,

I am not a fan of the new logo and uniforms.  ASU is behind a lot of schools when it comes to traditions as it is.  I am very disappointed that you would trash our school colors and logo in a disgusting attempt to move some more merchandise.   I found the videos hyping the change to be offensive as well.  The message of “We’re changing, deal with it, you’re just whining because you can’t handle change” didn’t help me feel all warm and fuzzy about the new Nike State University designs.  I’m sure there are people on Eugene who think that football jerseys with tread plates on them are super cool, but the rest of the country thinks they’re a joke.  I’m not happy about my favorite team moving into the same category.

The thing is, I can handle change.  In fact, I could even get behind the addition of black to the jerseys if they weren’t so stupid.  Being Freaky Metal Kid, my closet is full of black shirts.  I’d love to have some Sun Devil gear in black, but this new stuff is no longer recognizable as Sun Devil gear.  ASU colors are Maroon and Gold.  That’s the name of the fight song.  The lyrics of “Maroon and Gold” include a line “Fight for the old Maroon (and Gold!).”  The black jerseys are noticeably lacking in Maroon.  Color-wise they look like Iowa Hawkeye or maybe Missouri Tigers jerseys.

They could have been ok.  In fact, you got one right:

The volleyball jersey has maroon and gold on it!  Softball looks fine too, although it doesn’t seem like a departure from ASU jerseys I’ve seen before.  If the black basketball and football jerseys correctly used maroon numbers with the gold trim, then everything would be fine.  It would still be possible to recognize them as Sun Devil colors.

After the colors, there’s of course the Sparky problem.  Sparky, the Sun Devil, is a unique and easily identifiable image.  Anyone who watches college sports can see Sparky and know that he represents the Arizona State University Sun Devils.  There are no others like him.  There are some other teams of devils out there, but none that would be confused with Sparky’s Sun Devils.  The pitchfork is not nearly so recognizable.  First off, ASU’s nickname isn’t the Pitchforks/Tridents.  When someone sees this logo, an obvious first thought is “Who are the forks?”  Secondly, there IS competition in this area.  Sun Devils and Blue Devils are different enough, but I don’t like how much this new logo reminds me of the UCSD Triton logo:

I think the new ASU version is actually a little worse because of that mysterious stuff on the handle.  Are those flames?  Seriously, what the heck? Again, I can accept change.  I understand that ASU has used multiple logos on the helmets over the years.  The idea of putting a pitchfork on there rather than Sparky actually makes sense to me.  The players are Sun Devils, so you decorate Sun Devils with pitchforks rather than images of other Sun Devils.  Sure, that makes enough sense.  Sparky doesn’t have to be the primary logo on the helmet.  He does need to be the logo everywhere else though.  Arizona State Sun Devils should be represented by a Sun Devil logo, not a flaming fork.
It is my hope that this will all go away.  It did once before.  Remember this accident?

That goofy disaster of a uniform lasted one season before our players went back to dressing respectably.  I really hope the same thing happens again.

Sincerely,

a fan of Sparky

I’m still in Wisconsin at the moment, hanging out at my friend’s place where I’ve been staying.  I came out here mostly to see my beloved Arizona State Sun Devils football team play against the Wisconsin Badgers on Saturday.  The game was a close 20-19 loss which was on one hand heartbreaking but on the other encouraging.  A one point loss against the #11 team in the country, on the road, is not a bad showing for a team picked to finish 9th in the Pac 10.  ASU struggled to run the ball against NAU, so going in, this game was very scary.  Fortunately, the Devils looked faster than the Badgers and used that to stay in the game the whole way.  Threet looked pretty solid and that gave me hope that the team might not be as hopeless as I originally thought.

More than a recap of the game, which you can get anywhere, I wanted to mention how impressed I was with Camp Randall Stadium and the fans it contained.  My friends and I showed up to the game, wearing our best Sun Devil gear, shouting and cheering for ASU.  There were no confrontational responses.  Nobody shouted at us, harassed us, or threw things at us.  We were frequently welcomed with polite greetings and handshakes by Badger fans who generally said something like “Welcome to Wisconsin, I hope you enjoy the game.”  It’s sad, but that is not at all the greeting that I see at Sun Devil Stadium where people are more frequently rude and vulgar.  Since that’s where I’ve experienced most of my live college football, I expected a hostile response as I showed up to Camp Randall in the opposing team’s colors.  I was very impressed when I found that I was completely wrong.

Following the initial pleasant entrance, the fans continued to demonstrate how much better they are at being fans for the rest of the game.  The stadium was full.  It was nearly solid red (unattractive to me, but impressive).  The Wisconsin students sang, clapped, and danced with fantastic enthusiasm.  Several amusing variations of the wave went around the stadium.  The upper deck shook noticeably when House of Pain’s “Jump Around” was played over the PA and the entire building did exactly what the song suggested.  Late in the game, when Sun Devil Stadium  bleeds “fans” regardless of score, Camp Randall was still full.  During the game, a part of Wisconsin’s band came up into the ASU section.  They were initially greeted with boo’s, until Sun Devil fans figured out they were playing “Maroon and Gold.”  That’s very cool.

After the game we stuck around for the 5th Quarter.  It featured an extra twenty minutes of the band playing and dancing on the field and fans singing and dancing in the stands.  They again played ASU’s fight song.  I was reminded on several occasions that this post-game party happens after every game whether the Badgers win or lose.  It was very fun, and I’m totally jealous. When we made our way out of the stadium and began walking down the road towards State Street we ended up walking parallel to the marching band.  The band was still playing and dancing as they marched with police escort down the road.  It was entertaining the whole way.

When all was said and done, it was the most fun I think I could ever have during and after an ASU loss.  Wisconsin fans made me feel welcome at their big football themed party and I really hope that they are treated appropriately when they come to Tempe.

Thanks Badgers,

Freaky Metal Kid

I was unable to watch the Strikeforce event live last night, but I was delighted to see the results.  Fedor Emelianenko, one of the most over hyped fighters of all time finally lost a fight.  Fabricio Werdum caught him with a combination of a triangle choke and an arm bar.  As a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fan I always like to see BJJ used successfully.

The important thing though is that Fedor, the unbeatable Russian fighting robot,  lost to a guy who was dropped by the UFC.  Fedor had only one loss on his record, which everyone discounted because it was stopped due to a cut and it was also avenged in the rematch.  On the other hand, most of his wins did not come against top level fighters.  It was thought for some time that the guys fighting for the PRIDE organization in Japan were far superior to the heavyweights in the UFC.  For a time, that may have been true, but the new crop of heavyweights in the UFC have shown that the PRIDE fighters are not on top anymore.  Fedor’s most notable wins in PRIDE were against Mirko Cro Cop and Antonio Rodrigo “Minotauro” Nogueira.  Cro Cop was expected to come in and clean up the UFC heavyweight division, but has instead been mostly an embarrassment.  He’s lost multiple fights and even his wins were unimpressive.  Nogueira has faired better, but was stopped by Frank Mir and Cain Valasquez despite having never been never lost by TKO in PRIDE.  While Fedor’s old resume highlights were getting tarnished in the UFC, he stayed outside fighting UFC rejects.

Somehow people still saw his nearly perfect record and decided he was unbeatable.  This is a ridiculous leap to make, both because of his habit of ducking top competition and because there are too many facets or as some say “too many ways to lose” in MMA.  Fedor actually seems like a nice guy and he is a good fighter, but I’m inclined to root against anyone labeled as “invincible.”  Guys who can’t lose have lost too many times in MMA.  Other fans and “experts” will scoff at the idea of certain fighters losing, and anyone who suggests a vulnerability is derided as not understanding the sport.  B.J. Penn has been hailed as one of the top pound for pound fighters in the world.  People (including B.J. himself) seemed to think that there were no lightweights who could really compete with him.  It didn’t take that long before Frankie Edgar came in and boxed his way to B.J.’s belt.  Lyoto Machida was untouchable and had never lost around.  He was supposed to hold the light heavyweight belt for years.  Almost immediately Shogun took it from him.  GSP has already been clobbered by Matt Serra.

I hope that with the fall of “The Last Emperor” we can see him as “the last unbeatable fighter.”  Nobody is unbeatable and to call anyone unbeatable is stupid.  Anderson Silva looks pretty tough now, but it isn’t hard to imagine someone beating him with wrestling and taking his belt.  If he continues to fight he will lose.  GSP will lose.  Brock Lesnar will lose.

–Blarg!

So apparently the Pac 10 is adding Colorado and that’s it. I guess that’s less extreme than turning into the Pac 16. I do think it’s funny that the Big Ten (11) now has 12 teams and the Big 12 now has 10 teams. Do they trade names? Do they keep the same old names for maximum confusion? Are they working on new names? Should the old Big Ten maintain tradition by changing their name to the Big Eleven and find a way to work a ’12′ into the logo? I’m not confident that the conference apocalypse is shelved for good, so maybe they’ll just all pile into two super conferences, the Nike Conference and the Adidas Conference or something like that.

– Blarg!

Recent talk about Pac 10 conference expansion has made me evaluate my interest in college sports.  Once I started attending ASU I became attached to Sun Devil athletics and I’ve been much more of a college sports fan than a professional sports fan.  I like the pageantry, the marching bands, the mascots, the cheerleaders, the rivalries, the traditions, storming the field, rushing the court, throwing tortillas, singing fight songs, the frantic unpredictable action of the Men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament, the huge stadiums packed for football games and the finality of seniors who know they won’t be competing professionally giving everything they have because they love their sport.

My feelings towards college sports have been taking a beating lately.  There have always been lingering issues that I’ve been able to mostly look past.  It’s always been messed up that NCAA football and basketball are huge money generating activities based on the efforts of kids who are forbidden from seeing any of that profit.  It’s a bad deal for a lot of them, but some have been especially screwed when they were declared ineligible to play due to really asinine interpretations of the rules.  I’ve heard enough about “student athletes” being an oxymoron or a myth.  The highest paid people at these “institutions of higher learning” are not top shelf researchers or the premier educators, but football coaches.  That seems off.  I know there are separate budgets and sports draw in their own donations, but it was strange to see ASU add new, fancy, multimillion dollar scoreboards to Sun Devil Stadium and Wells Fargo Arena when at the same time they had to eliminate programs, lay off instructors, and let other support staff go.  All that said, I’ve put all of that aside because of the things listed in the top paragraph.  I’ve had so much fun as a fan that I rationalized my way around the less appealing aspects.

Now the bullshit outside of the games is starting to spill too far into the games themselves that it’s getting harder to ignore.  I’ll start by mentioning the BCS.  I won’t say much about the BCS because that’s been covered enough.  It’s not fair.  Polls are not fair.  Nobody ever says about their sport, “I like watching teams compete directly with rules to objectively determine the winner, but it’d be better if they just had some judges to pick who is the best, like in figure skating.  Hell, they could probably judge teams that haven’t even played each other!”  Along with not really determining the best team each season, the football post season gets worse every year as they continue to add bowl games that nobody needs to see.  Yes, now every kid gets to play in a bowl game, but playing in a bowl game doesn’t mean anything anymore.  It only counts to make the BCS bowl games, and if the system doesn’t like you (Boise State, Utah…), you’re not invited no matter what you do.  At least the regular season is still really fun right?  Well, not as much.  They’re trying to ban that.  The really touchy “celebration” penalties were bad enough the past couple of seasons.  Washington got totally hosed against USC because Locker had the audacity to flip the football over his shoulder when he scored a late touchdown.  Apparently they’re ramping it up further this season so that if a player appears too happy on his way into the endzone, they can actually take his touchdown away.

Still, up through this much, I still feel like a fan.  I’m still excited for the next season…  And then there’s the talk about expanding the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  In my mind, the tournament, composed of 64 teams is perfection.  It’s my favorite event in sports.  Yeah, they added the 65th team, which was confusing and stupid, but not a huge deal.  A few 15 seeds have won games (including one against #2 Arizona, haha suck it Wildcats!), but no 16 seeds have.  To me that means they have exactly the right number.  They’re bringing in a few more teams than have a shot to win any games.  Any teams that haven’t made a convincing case to be one of the 64 best, don’t belong anyway.  We can say with certainty that the best teams (and them some) get invited.  They want to ruin the perfection because the NCAA doesn’t give a shit about kids or about sports.  They want to squeeze more money out of it.  I have always said college football needed to be more like college basketball when it comes to the post season, but instead it’s going the other way.  To me the NCAA is saying “Fuck sports, give us more money.”  With both of my favorite sports having their post seasons corrupted into nonsense, I’m feeling kinda down about it.

Then comes the conference expansion talk.  Apparently the Pac 10 wants to add a whole bunch of teams.  This is clearly part of a systematic plan to ruin sports for me.  They’re going down the list.  “Ruin the championship competitions?  Check.  Get rid of actual cheerleaders (ASU’s fault)? Check.  Get rid of the traditions?  Check.”  Throwing tortillas got banned already, they’ve tried to stop students from rushing the field before, and our stadium doesn’t fill up very well these days.  Looking back up at my list, it seems like I can cross a bunch of things off while the case against being a fan continues to grow.  I don’t see any legitimate reason for the formation of a super conference.  To me it’s the same money grabbing BS as the rest of it.

As someone who has spent a lot of time and money being a sports fan, it really bums me out to think that maybe its time to just walk away from it.  Wouldn’t I be better off doing something productive rather than watching other people physically exert themselves?  Isn’t it silly to keep spending money to watch “amateur” athletics?  As a Green person, how stupid is the whole production from a sustainability perspective?

It was a lot of fun and I don’t really want to be done, but I feel like I might be getting close.

– Blarg!

Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap

Wrap Wrap Rap This is the rap of the wrap of the wrap We wrapped all this crap Now we rap all this wrap It’s been awhile since we last changed the site So tonight we will fight with our might Not to sound trite But to create with our hate Things that are great Although it comes late And we’ve made you wait It’s better says Heather To be late than never So here comes the recap The re-wrap that we rap Bringin’ the knee-slap, the laughter, the hand clap So crank up your font size, cuz this is the Wrap Wrap

Incipiat Turba gets updated very infrequently and the last update was several months ago. What is the reason for the lack of updates?

Freaky Metal Kid	Heathen and I were abducted by Nigerians in a money laundering deal gone wrong. We were hanging out and Heathen freaked out all of a sudden. “They found me! I don’t know how but they found me!” “Who?” I asked her. “The Nigerians!” she yelled. We got thrown into a van and then we found ourselves locked in a dark room somewhere. We heard the Nigerian guys arguing outside and then some gunshots. After a period of silence, Heathen and I broke down the door and discovered that the Nigerians had killed each other. Then, we got Slurpees and headed home. That took at least a few hours. The rest of the time we’ve spent playing with Lego.
The Agitator	Incipiat Turba lacks the competitive fire that got us to the top all those years ago. You can’t blame us for falling off a bit after declaring victory over the universe; where are we supposed to go from there? By definition, the universe is everything. And you can’t fault us for declaring victory when we did – the universe was down for the count. Only recently have there been rumors about the universe getting back into shape and making noise about a potential comeback, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope for Incipiat Turba vs. the Universe II. At best, we may be able to look forward to seeing Incipiat Turba in action during its rare exhibition matches.

	I obviously out-wrapped The Agitator. He admitted to not having a Mayan calendar available when he was trying to make predictions and he also admitted to not being able to name any of the players on the Lakers besides Kobe (I can’t either, but I’ll never admit that to our readers). The Agitator claimed that the Super Bowl would air without commercial interruption, whereas I predicted that the Colts would be champions. So what if I got Pacal Votan’s words a little mixed up and called it a year too soon? I still called it.
	FMK is right, for once. He did a much better job than I did. Was I even trying? It was so long ago I can’t remember what I was thinking. I hope I wasn’t giving it my usual 110%, but even if it was only 105%, it’s still an embarrassment. Hopefully I can redeem myself when we do our next wrap. I just hope my retirement community will still be letting me use the internet when we get around to it.

	5) Stuart Scott asks, “Is this how you go to work?” Yeah, Stu, that’s how we dress to go to work. We’re just nutty. 4) The Agitator suggested a trade between Sacramento and Philadelphia where Peja is exchanged for T.O. This didn’t go through, but let’s look at what did happen. Artest came to Sacramento, seemed decent for half of a season and then turned into the same asshole he’d been before. He got so bored being in Sacramento, that he had to take up domestic violence for entertainment. T.O. accepted a trade to Dallas where he led the league in dropped passes, probably because Tony Romo threw them in such an un-American, cheeseburger hating way. Would things have been any worse if The Agitator’s idea came to fruition? I don’t think so. The cross-league trade would have been a big story for both leagues, so clearly the owners need to start thinking outside the box like The Agitator. 3) Freaky Metal Kid picks the Colts to win the Super Bowl. Any bum can flip a coin and get the winner of the Super Bowl which is about to be played and both teams have been determined. I predicted that Peyton Manning would soon hoist the Lombardi trophy without even knowing the results of the next draft, free-agency signing period, preseason, regular season, and play-offs. I’m not even a total Colts homer. I’m just that good at making picks. 2) Since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, I have another graphical entry. Just look at this goofy bastard and try not to laugh: Also, I assume that saying means a thousand words of someone with an average vocabulary. Since I’m damn near illiterate, I assume that the exchange rate is more like two or three million words. 1) As mentioned in the previous clip, actual written jokes are nearly impossible for a lazy cretin like myself to crank out, so this spot goes to my awesome wordplay in the last wrap: Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal that really caught on with the public? Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House. FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.
	I can only think of two: Number 1. Number 2. I mean, how can you pick favorites from all that great stuff? I’d have trouble even if I wanted to take the time to try!

	I don’t recall saying anything that wasn’t spot on. I do think I should have held back some information though. Doc says that people aren’t supposed to know too much about the future.
	By far the worst part of the Wraps has been their overwhelming success. They”ve created such a high standard for Incipiat Turba content that nothing else can possibly compare. It’s made us afraid of making crappy updates about random things that have no hope of comparing to the Wraps. I can only assume that’s why FMK is completely phoning this one in, to bring the ridiculously high standard down to a more attainable level.

	I’m going to buy. It’s a high risk, high reward type deal. There’s obviously a very good chance that the site will not be updated again until 2012, but I think this Wrap Wrap and the Wrap Wrap Rap will provide enough inspiration to get the Incipiat Turba update stock soaring. Did I do this right?
	I’ll buy this. Something will undoubtedly happen during the NBA playoffs that compels FMK to post some kind of update, kind of like his NBA playoffs blog last year.

	I have to sell this one. Since the site was re-organized with the CMS, the previously dominant Journey and Larry Wilcox pages have fallen right off of the search string map. The Lost and Found is driving our hits and chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is leading the pack. We used to top the search engine lists for suicide related strings and we were once the top Larry Wilcox page, but it looks like Incipiat Turba is now gunning for the top chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie spot.
	Not a chance. Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is a classic piece of comedy from one of the greatest shows of the late 1990s. It will always bring in more hits than anything else, unless we start putting up Third Rock from the Sun quotes. I can’t remember any off the top of my head, so I’m definitely selling this. Although now we’ll get hits for “Third Rock from the Sun quotes.” Hmm, this is a tough one.

	I’m going to sell this. I fully believe that they are that retarded. In fact, I know they are. They are too lazy to really put that laziness to use though. This stock will be a loser because any idea that ever occurs to Incipiat Turba eventually fades into nothingness, no matter how beautifully retarded it is.
	I’m selling this as well. This whole Wrap Wrap concept is already pushing the limits of our mental capacities. I just don’t think we’re capable of operating on that many levels, when operating on one level is such a challenge. It would be like trying to run up two or three flights of stairs when you’re having trouble just walking around on the ground floor.

	I’m buying this. The only real question here is “Will The Agitator or Freaky Metal Kid overcome laziness at least one more time in the future to create another wrap?” Admittedly, that’s not something to bank on, but I’m optimistic. In fact, I’d say the Over/Under of Over/Under questions in future wraps will be over 0. Did I do that right? I’m not sure what it would mean if I said under 0, so it has to be right. Right?
	I’d buy this twice if I were allowed to. Am I allowed to?

Welcome to another edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap, where Incipiat Turba’s
sports analysts break down the top sports stories from the world of sports.
This time around, we’ll be deviating from our pattern of focusing entirely on sports. Instead, we’ll cover the recent midterm elections, in which
Democrats took over the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate, among
a number of other interesting developments. As always, we’ll have our expert
analysts Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator make sense of it
all by answering the tough questions . . .

In a development everyone predicted but no one really believed could happen, the
Democrats have retaken control of the House of Representatives for the first
time since 1994. How badly did the Democrats need this win?

	Very badly. Bush has put in a Grossman-like performance with a whole bunch of turnovers. A loss would have made the Democrats the political equivalent of the Arizona Cardinals. Howard Dean screaming “They are who we thought they were!” about the GOP would be even funnier than his previous meltdown, but his “Booya!” on The Daily Show was funny enough and it came without the aftertaste of crushing depression and hopelessness.
	The Democrats absolutely had to come out and prove something this time around. They didn’t show that they have heart, guts, or a spine, but they did prove that this is still a two-party system. It’s cliché, but this was a good day for democracy, not necessarily because the people will have their voices heard – that remains to be seen – but because without competitive elections between at least two real political parties, the U.S. would literally fail to meet the basic requirements for being considered a democratic country. Let’s just say this was a big day for Democrats and an even bigger one for America’s official status as a democracy.

	It was obviously terrorism. The terrorists wanted our government full of liberal wimps who wouldn’t put up a fight. Clearly the terrorists have made their worst strike yet and manipulated the election. The frightening part is how nobody noticed. Minnesota even put a Muslim in office! I don’t want to make myself a target, so I’ll just leave it at that.
	That’s a trick question; it’s really only one concern. Iraq is central to the war on terrorism, we all know that. And Islamic terrorism is God’s vengeance for the unprecedented level of corruption in American society. But I don’t know what we did to deserve a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress. God must be fucking pissed about Britney Spears’ divorce.

	Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip.
	The Foley scandal was big because the Republicans sold it so well. Just a great play when they absolutely needed it. It’s tough to execute the “smaller scandal to distract from the bigger scandal,” or, as most political parties call it, “Red Left, 39 Fly,” but when it works, it works. No one ever sees it coming, and when the smaller scandal is anything related to sex, it’s almost impossible to defend against. Sure, they went on to lose the election, but this play was instrumental in limiting the Republicans’ losses.

	It wasn’t really surprising at all. Anyone with a Mayan calendar saw this coming. Pacal Votan called it back in the 7th century, so nobody should act too shocked.
	Well, I didn’t get a 2006 Mayan desk calendar for Christmas last year, so I’m quite a bit more shocked than FMK. After 2004, people were starting to wonder if there were any Democrats left in those states to run for office, let alone vote. And the jury’s still out on Virginia, where Webb is a former Republican. It only proves that Virginia Republicans are not entirely comfortable with George Allen’s brand of out-and-out racial-slur racism. They might prefer Bob Corker’s more subtle “black men can’t be trusted around white women” kind.

	Following embarrassing defeats in recent elections the Democrats turned to a motivational speaker to pump them up for this election. He convinced them of the power of positive thinking and they tried to visualize their success in the election. For the first time in years, they didn’t schedule “pity parties” for failed candidates to eat rocky road ice cream and bitch about how mean their opponent had been and how unfair everything was. This time they scheduled victory celebrations before any votes were cast to will themselves to victory. Between now and the 2008 election, each of them will read at least one piece of inspiring literature every day.
	The Democrats weren’t actually saying, “We won, don’t bother counting all the votes.” They were really saying, “Finally, after six years, it’s good just to feel like winners.” And even if they had gone on to lose, it must have still felt good to go out and confidently say they had won.

	I hesitate to consult my Mayan calendar again because I don’t really want to know if it’s going to be bad news. It’s good that the Democrats are in better shape, but holding on isn’t all that important. Apparently the Presidential Fitness people don’t require the bent-arm hang anymore anyway. I guess you’re supposed to log physical activities and then you can achieve different levels like gold or silver. It was unclear how many points you needed to actually become president though. Hopefully Obama and Clinton know all the details.
	Don’t let the victory fool you, they are perfectly capable of coughing this one up before the 2008 election. Sure, you’d think they could hold it until then, but as everyone keeps saying, these are not your Daddy’s Democrats. Your Daddy’s Democrats held onto the House for decades. With these Democrats the majority might evaporate before they’re even sworn in. A lot can happen in a month and a half.

	I already touched on that issue in an earlier comment. For now I’ll just say that Allah is the one true god and Muhammed was his prophet. Also, I think this is a quote from the Qur’an: “Good riddance Rumsfeld, you fucking dick.”
	Osama bin Laden is loving every minute of this, no two ways about it, but he’s not going to give up. He won’t be happy until Bush and Cheney are out of office too. In fact, don’t look for al Qaeda to let up until the secular liberals have completely taken over America. Only then will it conform to the ideal Muslim society.

	They make me feel like an important lawmaker man. I get to go and vote the illegal immigrants off the island and be like “Haha you didn’t win immunity, now you have no rights!” I’ll probably never be on a reality show for real, so pretending by voting in mean propositions to take rights away from others is as close as I’ll probably ever get to voting someone off of Survivor.
	Just as the Progressives envisioned, the initiative process gives corporations and wealthy individuals a way to use their money to influence the political process more directly. Buying enough legislators for a majority on any given issue can be costly and confusing, especially with the maze of campaign finance laws we have these days. It’s much easier to do it with a ballot initiative. That’s what the Progressive Movement was all about, increasing the power of monied interests over government. I think they’d be proud of the results of their reforms.

	That’s bullshit. Heterosexual couples in America will never be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex. Queers will start raising kids and then the kids will catch the gay and there will be homos everywhere. Family units will self destruct, and chaos will ensue. The chaos will only last so long because gays can’t procreate. The American population will plummet until we don’t have enough men at the border to stop the Mexicans from taking over. Of course they’ll end up catching the gay (and AIDS) too and the species will die out on December 21st, 2012.
	I have to disagree with FMK here. Homosexuality is not a disease; it’s an intriguing lifestyle with a lot of obvious benefits. The only thing stopping everyone from going gay is that they know they’ll be discriminated against when it comes to marriage. Take away all the incentives for heterosexual marriage and pretty soon everyone will realize how awesome homosexuality is. FMK is right that the species will die out, but it will take a bit longer than six years. Maybe seven.

	No. There will still be incidents of molestation when the Charlotte Bobcats play at Sacramento, Golden State, or Los Angeles.
	Unfortunately, it only marks the beginning of the end. The law also bans sex offenders from living near parks or schools. But whoever wrote this law is hopelessly out of touch with society. Kids these days don’t go to school very often and they’re already taught to avoid parks because they’re crawling with child molesters. However, children can be found in a number of other places such as shopping malls, bowling alleys, and Chuck E. Cheese, none of which are covered by the law. Since they apparently can’t ban sex offenders from living in California, and systematic castration continues to be rejected by the courts, they’re going to have to take it one step further and put GPS tracking devices on the children as well. Then and only then will the children be truly safe. Because all sex crimes are committed by people who have previously been convicted of sex crimes.

	They should film Back to the Future, Part IV now. They can make Marty have Parkinson’s. That scene where he suddenly couldn’t play the guitar at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance wasn’t because he was fading from existence, it was the onset of his symptoms. Similarly in the second film where his future self couldn’t play guitar, supposedly because of a car accident he got into because of Needles. It wasn’t the car accident which ruined his hand, it was the disease. Doc and Marty will go back to the future to retrieve the cure for Parkinson’s. If the cure isn’t found in real life before they finish filming, they can have a sad ending where Marty dies in a hoverboard accident. If they do cure it, they can just redo the ending like with Fever Pitch. In this happier ending they should travel through time to stop Harrison Ford and George Lucas from making Indiana Jones 4.
	Before answering this question, FMK should have traveled back in time to before he was a moron. How does filming Back to the Future IV now benefit anyone? Stem cell researchers need the motivation of knowing that Michael J. Fox is off limits for the movie until he is cured.

	FACT. Republicans will actually campaign by blaming Democrats for failing to vote against the war which we shouldn’t have gotten into. “They’re gun hating hippies, they should have known not to support the war, it’s all their fault!”
	FACT. Everyone says Republicans would have been crazy to do this, and I agree, it’s a crazy move and one hell of a risky strategy. But obviously they had to do something, and having the chance to blame the Democrats may pay off in the end. It’s tough to whine about Democrats taxing, spending, and undermining our security when no one can remember what it was actually like when they were in power. This will serve as a reminder to everyone who forgot, that Democrats can only be trusted with one thing: taking power for brief periods of time to prove that they can’t be trusted with power.

	FICTION. Democrats are going to try a bunch of stupid shit, get vetoed and whine about Bush. Then, people will forget about the scandals from this year and remember how completely unlikable the Democrats are. Democrats will make several crucial bad decisions and we’ll have to go back to debating whether we could survive Canadian winters.
	FICTION. But they won’t alienate the voters by overreaching, they’ll do it by underreaching. They’re going to be so paranoid that they’ll do something the voters may not like, that they’re going to end up doing nothing. They’ll make some noise about Bush being wrong, but don’t expect much in the way of serious oversight or affirmative policy positions from these Democrats. No, they aren’t that kind of Democrats.

	FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.
	FACT: Until now, no one had to worry about the Speaker of the House because it was always a man. Even the most recklessly conservative (Gingrich) or grossly incompetent (Hastert) man is more trustworthy than a woman, especially one who is a San Francisco Liberal. Look for Pelosi to bring a lot of new and overwhelmingly negative attention to the role of Speaker of the House. Did that sound too misogynistic?

	FICTION. What he meant was he wanted to unite the conservatives controlling the Supreme Court and Congress with him in the White House. Unity has no room for Democrats.
	FICTION, but only because this isn’t a hostile Congress, so he won’t have the chance to prove it. There are plenty of conservative and “moderate” Democrats who already agree with Bush on plenty of things. He won’t need to “unite,” he’ll just need to divide the Democratic Party.

Now let’s look at the Superstars of this election. Take us through each of your
top three 2006 Midterm Election Prime Time Players?

	My props have to go out to Janet Napolitano for being the first woman to win re-election as governor of Arizona. Beyond that, Janet strolled to an easy win as a Democrat in a red state. That’s good stuff. Bernard Sanders winning a Senate seat as a socialist was pretty impressive as well. That’s gotta be embarrassing for his opponent. It’s one thing to lose a mayoral race to a crackhead, but losing your Senate bid to a socialist is pretty rough. Harry Mitchell is still waiting for all of the ballots to be counted, but it looks like he’s given the boot to JD Hayworth who is a dick supreme. Atta boy Harry.
	FMK likes to applaud the winners, and they did a great job, no doubt about it. But it takes two to do the Charleston (I think), and I want to salute the losers who put up a valiant effort and made this such an exciting election season. Number one, a scrappy kid out of Orange County named Tan Nguyen, who until about a month ago was looking to be another in a string of lackluster challengers for Loretta Sanchez’s seat in Congress. An immigrant himself, Nguyen sent out a letter to 14,000 registered Latino voters, implying that even legal immigrants would be sent to prison for attempting to vote. That’s almost Mark Foley-as-chairman-of-the-House-Caucus-on-Missing-and-Exploited-Children level hypocrisy. Of course, he still went on to lose by 13 points, but at least he got his name in the paper. Number two, California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides ran a great campaign. He’s got a bright, bright future. In fact he already has two jobs lined up, now that the election is over, impersonating Gray Davis. I don’t know who would hire a Gray Davis impersonator, but for some reason Democrats thought it would be a good idea to have one run for governor. Number three, Katherine Harris, who was running against a popular incumbent senator in Florida. Who knows, she might have won if she hadn’t sacrificed her political future in order to steal the election for Bush in 2000. Or if Nader hadn’t been on the ballot, putting the election within “stealing distance.” Fucking Nader, ruins everything. Everything.

	John McCain. Democrats were handed a victory this time around, but they haven’t figured out that whole “Presidential Election” thing. Maybe if Bill Clinton could do all of the campaigning and make people forget it’s actually Hillary’s name on the ticket, things would work out, but I doubt it.
	Nancy Pelosi. Bush, of course, will die somehow. He can’t expect to outlive the curse that claimed Lincoln, McKinley, FDR, Kennedy, and all the rest; he’s no Ronald Reagan, and Reagan barely cheated death. Obviously Cheney will last about ten minutes before his tenth heart attack finally delivers the knock-out punch. So it will be Nancy Pelosi on the morning of January 20, 2009. Since you didn’t ask me who will be president the rest of that day, I’ll stop before making some wild, outrageous prediction.

In this edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap, we’ll cover five of the biggest stories in sports: the Winter Olympics in Torino, Super Bowl XL in Detroit, Kobe Bryant’s 81-point game, Ron Artest, and the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito. As usual, we’ll have our expert analysts Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator make sense of it all by answering all the tough questions.

The Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy are just weeks away, with opening ceremonies set to take place on February 10th. People around the world are starting to get excited. But we’ll ask Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator what they should really be watching out for.

What, in your opinion, is the biggest story right now, with the opening ceremonies still a few weeks away?

	Ole Einar Bjoerndalen of Norway has to be the biggest story. A favorite to win the Biathlon, he already has 5 Olympic gold medals, which is the most of any biathlete. His tremendous talent must make Norwegians and biathletes everywhere proud. It is unfortunate that biathletes are still limited to their own competitions while heteroathletes and even homoathletes are allowed to compete in any area they choose. Perhaps another superb performance from Bjoerndalen will demonstrate to the world that biathletes are capable of competing with anyone.
	By far, the biggest story is from this past Monday, when the Pope gave his blessing to the Winter Olympics. This is huge. The Winter Olympics are in Italy this year, and nothing goes down in Italy without Papal approval. Now thousands of elite athletes have been blessed by God to get together and make good use of the hundred-thousand condoms that the International Olympic Committee distributes at every Olympiad. As you may know, the Catholic Church is vehemently opposed to the use of condoms or contraception of any kind, so this is a pretty big deal.

	I briefly considered coming up with a different answer because I hate just restating the obvious, but we all know that curling is the be all end all of Winter Olympic competition. Curling is where it’s at. It’s not like its just pushing polished rocks across some ice, its an extreme fucking thrill ride. It doesn’t get any better than when the skip pulls off a steal and gets some crucial points without the hammer. If you’ve ever swept the ice to guide that granite rock, then you understand the skill and precision required. I know I’m just preaching to the choir here which is why we must wonder why only 15 of the 26 televised curling contests will be aired live. They wouldn’t tape delay the Super Bowl or March Madness, so what makes them think that it’s acceptable to miss so much of the curling? My fellow fans, I implore you to write letters in protest of this travesty of poor scheduling.
	Two words: Bob sledding. The Jamaican Bobsledding Team is back again this time around, and everyone is saying that this could be the games when they finally break through and win the medal that they deserve, if not for their actual bobsledding performance, then at least for inspiring the greatest bobsledding movie of all time. You know what movie I’m talking about, because there are no other bobsledding movies. Cool Runnings is it. The Jamaican Bobsledding team made bobsledding relevant. They made it mainstream. You could say they mainstreamized it and they relevantized it. If it had been the Jamaican ski team, or the Jamaican ice dancing team, they probably would have had the same effect on those sports. Because the important thing is that there’s no ice or snow in Jamaica. But it just so happened that they were bobsledders, and the sport of bobsledding owes them everything for it. Without the Jamaican Bobsledding Team and Cool Runnings, bobsledding would be just another winter sport no one cares about. It would be no better than curling. And the only reason anyone knows about curling is that it’s so fucking ridiculous. All they do is push polished rocks across some ice! And they sweep the ice with brooms. Sweeping is not what you do in a competition. Sweeping is what you do to prepare playing surfaces for competition. What’s next, the Olympic sport of zamboni racing?

	Markku Uusipaavalniemi, or U-15 as they call the Finish skip is literally the biggest name in curling, which we have already established as the biggest sport. His rink only finished 5th in 2002, but he has finished in the top five at every world championship and Olympics since 2000, so I feel he’s poised to make a medal run this year. Fortunately he gave up his brief distraction of diving and has focused his skills on the big show. Having once received the highest score in the country on a math test and having completed a Rubik’s Cube in 25 seconds, he has the incredible mental strength necessary for any curling skip. “Uusi” means “new,” “niemi” means “peninsula” and the rest is filler to make his name larger and more intimidating. Not that Markku needs any help with the way he can play a hammer.
	The whole world will be saying it: “Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme. Get on up. It’s bobsled time.”

More often than not, someone does something stupid in the days running up to a game as important as the Super Bowl. Who will it be this year, and what will they be accused of doing the night before the game?

	I gotta go with Hasselbeck. I don’t think it will be as depraved or disturbing as some of the drug benders or violent incidents of the past. I picture it being something tragically simple. He’ll shut the fingers of his throwing hand in his hotel door and be unable to hold a football. Either that or he’ll get Rogaine in his eyes and be temporarily blinded.
	It won’t be a crime, but the shocking surprise will come the morning of the Super Bowl when Troy Polamalu shows up completely bald. Although there will be rumors that a transvestite stripper named Delilah seduced him and shaved all his hair off, Polamalu will later reveal that he just felt his hair had gotten “too long,” and it was taking “forever” to wash and dry. Needless to say, Polamalu will have the worst game of his career. So I guess it will be a crime after all, depriving the world of those beautiful flowing locks.

	To be perfectly honest, I was hoping for Paul Anka.
	I have to wonder where the rest of the Neville brothers will be. What are they, chopped liver? Aaron Neville without Art, Charles, and Cyril is like Tito Jackson without Marlon, Jackie, Jermaine, and Michael. It’s just not right. I’ll still watch it, of course, because I can’t get enough Aretha.

	It will probably be true again this year. Beer and Soda companies were traditionally the most consistent, but recently some internet companies have been working their way in. I want to see Bud Light come back with a strong showing.
	I heard they’re going to run the whole thing without commercial interruption this year.

	This is a no brainer. During any slow moments in the game, I’ll be tuning in to Puppy Bowl II on Animal Planet. This year they’ll have a kitten half time show. If you don’t watch that, you’re evil and you hate America.
	No brainer is right. FMK clearly has no brain. Anyone with a brain will be watching the Rolling Stones. You’d be crazy to miss the Super Bowl halftime show, especially after what happened last year with Paul McCartney and Alicia Keys.

	The Indianapolis Colts. I’ve seen enough ESPN to know that nobody can stop the 2nd greatest football offense of all time. Not being in the Super Bowl certainly won’t slow them down. In fact it will just make it easier for Manning to watch film during the game. Imagine what he can do with that sort of preparation! The only team that would have a chance to keep up with the Colts offense would be the USC Trojans with Jesus Leinart and Reggie Christ. Anyone picking the Steelers or the Seahawks is just trying to stir up a debate. Those guys don’t really believe the Steelers or the Seahawks can win, they’re just putting those outrageous predictions out there so if some freak miracle happens, they’ll look smart. If not, nobody will remember anyway because everyone will appropriately be talking about the unstoppable Colts.
	For once FMK is right – sort of. The Colts present a tough match-up for anyone. Mike Vanderjagt alone is the deadliest kicker in the game. USC might have had a slim chance, but Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart haven’t attended class since the Rose Bowl and are now academically ineligible. Still, I have to say that the Seahawks and the Steelers have the best chances of winning. I’d pick one or the other, but apparently that would mean I was “just trying to stir up a debate.”

Why doesn’t anyone like Sacramento?

	I don’t know, but I’ll tell you this. It’s one thing when someone from New York or Los Angeles bad-mouths Sacramento for being a hick town. But when someone who lives and plays in Indianapolis, Indiana decides that he hates Sacramento, you have to wonder. Just how crazy is Ron Artest?

	Hey, he did ask to be traded first. Then he said he wanted to stay. Maybe they just decided “That crazy fool can’t make up his damn mind.” I’m sure his change of mind happened because he found a good NASCAR bowling league to join and not because his trade value has hit an all time low and his next contract isn’t going to be as big as everyone once thought.
	The Kings have to get rid of Peja. They’ve gotten rid of every other likeable player from those fun Kings teams from the late 90s until ’03 – Scot Pollard, Jon Barry, Bobby Jackson, White Chocolate, Webber, Turkoglu, and Divac, not to mention the occasionally-likeable Doug Christie. Why keep up the pretense that this is a fun team to watch? With Artest probably a no-go, maybe the Kings can trade Peja to Philadelphia for Terrell Owens. Peja could be reunited with his best buddy Chris Webber, and the Kings could get the combination of incredible talent and constant volatility they were looking for with Artest.

	Travelling the country to teach math to young children is still an option. Besides that, look for him to produce and rap on B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret II: Where Basketball and Hip Hop Collide AGAIN! He’s played me some of the rough demos from Manu Ginobilli, Earl Boykins, Yao Ming, and Rip Hamilton. They are straight bananas.

Rank this among the great individual performances in the history of sports.

	It’s right up there with Ron Artest’s crowd riot game, Charles Barkley’s spitting incident and Randy Moss’s disgusting fake mooning motion. What the fuck was he thinking shooting the ball that many times? It’s a miracle they pulled out the win with him hogging the ball so much. I’d understand him trying to carry the load if they were desperate, but with Smush Parker and Kwame Brown on the floor, I can’t even believe he wasn’t feeding them the ball. Where are his assist records? Vince Carter, the consummate team player was wise enough to call him out and let him know what a poor example he was setting for the youth of America. Thank you Vince, at least someone in the NBA knows how to behave.
	Scoring a lot of points in an NBA game is pretty much the greatest individual achievement there is in sports. So I’d say it’s 20% less impressive than Chamberlain’s 100-point game, 4% more impressive than Chamberlain’s 78-point game, and 10% more impressive than both of Chamberlain’s 73-point games. With a margin of error of I-don’t-really-know-how-to-calculate-percentages.

	So it’s an “accomplishment” now to neglect your teammates? He can score as many points as he wants, but its not going to make us forget what he did to that girl or how mean he was to Shaq. Isn’t Shaq funny? I like Shaq. He’s big.
	People act like Kobe was the first professional athlete ever accused of raping someone. I don’t know if he was or not, but I’m guessing “not.” And besides, people give NBA players a hard time about all their illegitimate children. Kobe didn’t even get the girl pregnant. But you just can’t win with some people. Maybe they’d prefer that NBA players remain celibate. Or maybe the NBA needs to start handing out condoms to players, the way they do at the Olympics.

	Shaq of course. He may have less years left, but he can play with teammates and he’s still a dominant force. His team was in the Eastern Conferece Finals last year. Where was Kobe’s? Oh yeah, the Lakers didn’t even make the playoffs. Case closed.
	As crazy as it sounds, I’d take Kobe. Shaq is only now coming back from injury, whereas Kobe hasn’t scored fewer than 27 points in a game since he was suspended for two games for cheap-shotting Mike Miller with an elbow to the trachea. He’s unstoppable.

	As much as I’d like to say no, I think yeah, it’ll happen again. Some showboating, selfish ego-maniac like that no good Latrell Sprewell will totally ignore his team and try to score 100 points. I’d prefer to see the NBA crack down on that sort of anti-social behavior and fine players for acting so irresponsibly.
	Do you know who else is on the Lakers? Me neither. The only way the Lakers make the playoffs is if Bryant averages 80 a game for the rest of the season.

Fact or Fiction: Democrats will mount a serious attempt at filibustering Samuel Alito.

	FICTION. You have to stand up to someone to do that right? The Democrats still don’t have the confidence to really battle it out in the trenches. They may take a cheap shot or grab his facemask or something, but after the penalty is enforced, there’s no way he’ll be denied.
	FACT. The Democrats need to do something to stop the ship from sinking, and they’ll do whatever it takes to show the American people that they not only have a spine, but a positive and progressive agenda for the country. There’s a lot of negative attention focused on the Republicans right now, but this will be the first and best opportunity for Senate Democrats to grab the spotlight by standing up for what they believe in. They’re going to show the country that they will stand up and fight for what is right – and against what is wrong. Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s fiction.

	FICTION. I say fiction only because of your use of the future tense. Alito has already been confirmed. Many people have fallen for the play-fake, but the Republicans have already secretly had him confirmed. They are blocking as if it is a confirmation play, but that’s so the Democratic defensive backfield will bite and be out of position when Bush throws another long ball.
	FACT. And if O’Connor suddenly decides she doesn’t want to pack it in and hang it up just yet, look for Ruth Bader Ginsburg or David Souter to suddenly suffer a mysterious, unfortunate, and tragic accident. Probably a mysterious, unfortunate, and tragic exploding-robe accident. Alito will be on that bench.

	FICTION. I’m not convinced of his ability to be an impact player in the big leagues. His 40 times are slow, his wingspan is less than what you’d want and his previous statistics would suggest he’s just going to end up riding the bench.
	I gotta disagree with FMK again here. That’s a FACT. Alito is a true right-wing ideologue, the kind members of the conservative movement would masturbate to if they didn’t believe doing so would be a sin. So instead they just picture Alito when they’re having sex with the unattractive woman they married in large part to convince everyone – themselves included – that they’re not gay. Unless it’s Bob Packwood, Bob Barr, Rudy Giuliani, or Newt Gingrich, in which case they’re thinking about Alito while having sex with their unattractive mistress. But they hardly ever have sex with their wives, so it’s still a lot like monogamy. Which is all a long way of saying Alito is a game-changer. He may not have the physical abilities of a Scalia or a Thomas, or the intellectual prowess of a John Paul Stevens, but he’s young and he’s committed to the cause. He once ruled that the federal government had no constitutional power to regulate the sale of machine guns. This guy is a true believer, who will do whatever it takes to overturn every advancement in consumer protection, environmental regulation, and civil rights from the last century. Or not. But maybe.

	FICTION. On top of the short wingspan, Alito still doesn’t provide enough strength in the paint to really take this group all the way. I think they’re still one big man away from being where they want to be.
	FACT. The Supreme Court has gone through a lot of rebuilding in the last 33 years since Roe affirmed people’s right to kill babies. With Alito, they’ve finally got the last piece in place. It’s long overdue, but at last the Supreme Court can overturn Roe and take this country back to the glory days when there was no abortion whatsoever.

	FICTION We can talk about numbers and physical ability, but being a Supreme Court Justice is really all about heart. You have to want it more than the other person. She clearly didn’t have it. You can’t teach height, you can’t teach speed, and you can’t teach heart. She’s done in this league.
	FICTION. Myers was a horrible decision by the president, but she did one thing right. She was so bad that she ensured Alito’s confirmation. After Myers, people were just glad to have a nominee who wasn’t functionally illiterate or borderline retarded. Bush probably could have nominated Hitler, so long as he had a law degree and a modicum of judicial experience. I’m not suggesting that Alito is worse than Hitler. Or better. I’m just saying that if Bush had wanted to nominate Hitler, this was his chance.