Silliness

Incipiat Turba Wrap Wrap

by on Mar.25, 2007, under Politics, Silliness, Sports

Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap

Wrap Wrap Rap


This is the rap of the wrap of the wrap

We wrapped all this crap
Now we rap all this wrap
It’s been awhile since we last changed the site

So tonight we will fight with our might
Not to sound trite
But to create with our hate

Things that are great
Although it comes late
And we’ve made you wait
It’s better says Heather
To be late than never
So here comes the recap
The re-wrap that we rap
Bringin’ the knee-slap, the laughter, the hand clap

So crank up your font size, cuz this is the Wrap Wrap

Incipiat Turba gets updated very infrequently and the last update was several months ago. What is the reason for the lack of updates?


Freaky Metal Kid 		Heathen and I were abducted by Nigerians in a money laundering deal gone wrong. We were hanging out and Heathen freaked out all of a sudden.

“They found me! I don’t know how but they found me!”

“Who?” I asked her.

“The Nigerians!” she yelled.

We got thrown into a van and then we found ourselves locked in a dark room somewhere. We heard the Nigerian guys arguing outside and then some gunshots. After a period of silence, Heathen and I broke down the door and discovered that the Nigerians had killed each other. Then, we got Slurpees and headed home. That took at least a few hours. The rest of the time we’ve spent playing with Lego.

The Agitator 		Incipiat Turba lacks the competitive fire that got us to the top all those years ago. You can’t blame us for falling off a bit after declaring victory over the universe; where are we supposed to go from there? By definition, the universe is everything. And you can’t fault us for declaring victory when we did – the universe was down for the count. Only recently have there been rumors about the universe getting back into shape and making noise about a potential comeback, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope for Incipiat Turba vs. the Universe II. At best, we may be able to look forward to seeing Incipiat Turba in action during its rare exhibition matches.


Looking back on the previous Wraps, who do you feel did a better job analyzing the sports and political issues covered?

I obviously out-wrapped The Agitator. He admitted to not having a Mayan calendar available when he was trying to make predictions and he also admitted to not being able to name any of the players on the Lakers besides Kobe (I can’t either, but I’ll never admit that to our readers). The Agitator claimed that the Super Bowl would air without commercial interruption, whereas I predicted that the Colts would be champions. So what if I got Pacal Votan’s words a little mixed up and called it a year too soon? I still called it.
FMK is right, for once. He did a much better job than I did. Was I even trying? It was so long ago I can’t remember what I was thinking. I hope I wasn’t giving it my usual 110%, but even if it was only 105%, it’s still an embarrassment. Hopefully I can redeem myself when we do our next wrap. I just hope my retirement community will still be letting me use the internet when we get around to it.

Give us your top 7 plays of the Wraps.


5) Stuart Scott asks, “Is this how you go to work?”




Yeah, Stu, that’s how we dress to go to work. We’re just nutty.

4) The Agitator suggested a trade between Sacramento and Philadelphia where Peja is exchanged for T.O. This didn’t go through, but let’s look at what did happen. Artest came to Sacramento, seemed decent for half of a season and then turned into the same asshole he’d been before. He got so bored being in Sacramento, that he had to take up domestic violence for entertainment. T.O. accepted a trade to Dallas where he led the league in dropped passes, probably because Tony Romo threw them in such an un-American, cheeseburger hating way. Would things have been any worse if The Agitator’s idea came to fruition? I don’t think so. The cross-league trade would have been a big story for both leagues, so clearly the owners need to start thinking outside the box like The Agitator.

3) Freaky Metal Kid picks the Colts to win the Super Bowl. Any bum can flip a coin and get the winner of the Super Bowl which is about to be played and both teams have been determined. I predicted that Peyton Manning would soon hoist the Lombardi trophy without even knowing the results of the next draft, free-agency signing period, preseason, regular season, and play-offs. I’m not even a total Colts homer. I’m just that good at making picks.

2) Since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, I have another graphical entry. Just look at this goofy bastard and try not to laugh:

Also, I assume that saying means a thousand words of someone with an average vocabulary. Since I’m damn near illiterate, I assume that the exchange rate is more like two or three million words.

1) As mentioned in the previous clip, actual written jokes are nearly impossible for a lazy cretin like myself to crank out, so this spot goes to my awesome wordplay in the last wrap:

Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal that really caught on with the public?

Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip

Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House.

FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.

I can only think of two:

Number 1.
Number 2.

I mean, how can you pick favorites from all that great stuff? I’d have trouble even if I wanted to take the time to try!
Looking back on the previous Wraps, are there any ideas that in hindsight don’t hold up? What was the worst part of the Wraps?
I don’t recall saying anything that wasn’t spot on. I do think I should have held back some information though. Doc says that people aren’t supposed to know too much about the future.
By far the worst part of the Wraps has been their overwhelming success. They”ve created such a high standard for Incipiat Turba content that nothing else can possibly compare. It’s made us afraid of making crappy updates about random things that have no hope of comparing to the Wraps. I can only assume that’s why FMK is completely phoning this one in, to bring the ridiculously high standard down to a more attainable level.


Time for “Buy or Sell.” FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether people should buy imaginary stock in a random statement. I think buying means you’re supportive of the statement and selling means you disagree. Basically it’s “Fact or Fiction,” but with new words to make it sound like a fun new concept.

Buy or Sell: Incipiat Turba updating again before June

I’m going to buy. It’s a high risk, high reward type deal. There’s obviously a very good chance that the site will not be updated again until 2012, but I think this Wrap Wrap and the Wrap Wrap Rap will provide enough inspiration to get the Incipiat Turba update stock soaring. Did I do this right?
I’ll buy this. Something will undoubtedly happen during the NBA playoffs that compels FMK to post some kind of update, kind of like his NBA playoffs blog last year.


Buy or Sell: New Wrap content bringing in more visitors than “chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie”

I have to sell this one. Since the site was re-organized with the CMS, the previously dominant Journey and Larry Wilcox pages have fallen right off of the search string map. The Lost and Found is driving our hits and chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is leading the pack. We used to top the search engine lists for suicide related strings and we were once the top Larry Wilcox page, but it looks like Incipiat Turba is now gunning for the top chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie spot.
Not a chance. Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is a classic piece of comedy from one of the greatest shows of the late 1990s. It will always bring in more hits than anything else, unless we start putting up Third Rock from the Sun quotes. I can’t remember any off the top of my head, so I’m definitely selling this. Although now we’ll get hits for “Third Rock from the Sun quotes.” Hmm, this is a tough one.


Buy or Sell: Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator are so retarded that there will eventually be a Wrap Wrap Wrap with a Wrap Wrap Wrap Rap.
I’m going to sell this. I fully believe that they are that retarded. In fact, I know they are. They are too lazy to really put that laziness to use though. This stock will be a loser because any idea that ever occurs to Incipiat Turba eventually fades into nothingness, no matter how beautifully retarded it is.
I’m selling this as well. This whole Wrap Wrap concept is already pushing the limits of our mental capacities. I just don’t think we’re capable of operating on that many levels, when operating on one level is such a challenge. It would be like trying to run up two or three flights of stairs when you’re having trouble just walking around on the ground floor.


The next wrap will feature an “Over/Under” segment.
I’m buying this. The only real question here is “Will The Agitator or Freaky Metal Kid overcome laziness at least one more time in the future to create another wrap?” Admittedly, that’s not something to bank on, but I’m optimistic. In fact, I’d say the Over/Under of Over/Under questions in future wraps will be over 0. Did I do that right? I’m not sure what it would mean if I said under 0, so it has to be right. Right?
I’d buy this twice if I were allowed to. Am I allowed to?
That’s all for this special edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap. Join us next time when we discuss the latest on the NCAA Tournament, spring training, the NBA Finals, and the first half of the 2008 NFL season.

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Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap: Midterm Elections

by on Nov.11, 2006, under Politics, Silliness, Sports



Welcome to another edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap, where Incipiat Turba’s
sports analysts break down the top sports stories from the world of sports.
This time around, we’ll be deviating from our pattern of focusing entirely on sports. Instead, we’ll cover the recent midterm elections, in which
Democrats took over the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate, among
a number of other interesting developments. As always, we’ll have our expert
analysts Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator make sense of it
all by answering the tough questions . . .

In a development everyone predicted but no one really believed could happen, the
Democrats have retaken control of the House of Representatives for the first
time since 1994. How badly did the Democrats need this win?

Very badly. Bush has put in a Grossman-like performance with a whole bunch of turnovers. A loss would have made the Democrats the political equivalent of the Arizona Cardinals. Howard Dean screaming “They are who we thought they were!” about the GOP would be even funnier than his previous meltdown, but his “Booya!” on The Daily Show was funny enough and it came without the aftertaste of crushing depression and hopelessness.
The Democrats absolutely had to come out and prove something this time around. They didn’t show that they have heart, guts, or a spine, but they did prove that this is still a two-party system. It’s clichĂ©, but this was a good day for democracy, not necessarily because the people will have their voices heard – that remains to be seen – but because without competitive elections between at least two real political parties, the U.S. would literally fail to meet the basic requirements for being considered a democratic country. Let’s just say this was a big day for Democrats and an even bigger one for America’s official status as a democracy.


Some of the voters’ top concerns in this campaign were Iraq, terrorism, and
corruption. Which one was decisive in this campaign?

It was obviously terrorism. The terrorists wanted our government full of liberal wimps who wouldn’t put up a fight. Clearly the terrorists have made their worst strike yet and manipulated the election. The frightening part is how nobody noticed. Minnesota even put a Muslim in office! I don’t want to make myself a target, so I’ll just leave it at that.
That’s a trick question; it’s really only one concern. Iraq is central to the war on terrorism, we all know that. And Islamic terrorism is God’s vengeance for the unprecedented level of corruption in American society. But I don’t know what we did to deserve a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress. God must be fucking pissed about Britney Spears’ divorce.

Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal
that really caught on with the public?

Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip.
The Foley scandal was big because the Republicans sold it so well. Just a great play when they absolutely needed it. It’s tough to execute the “smaller scandal to distract from the bigger scandal,” or, as most political parties call it, “Red Left, 39 Fly,” but when it works, it works. No one ever sees it coming, and when the smaller scandal is anything related to sex, it’s almost impossible to defend against. Sure, they went on to lose the election, but this play was instrumental in limiting the Republicans’ losses.
Barring a miracle for Republican incumbent George Allen in Virginia, Democrats
will likely take control of the Senate on the strength of three key “red state”
wins, in Virginia, Missouri, and Montana. How surprising is this result?
It wasn’t really surprising at all. Anyone with a Mayan calendar saw this coming. Pacal Votan called it back in the 7th century, so nobody should act too shocked.
Well, I didn’t get a 2006 Mayan desk calendar for Christmas last year, so I’m quite a bit more shocked than FMK. After 2004, people were starting to wonder if there were any Democrats left in those states to run for office, let alone vote. And the jury’s still out on Virginia, where Webb is a former Republican. It only proves that Virginia Republicans are not entirely comfortable with George Allen’s brand of out-and-out racial-slur racism. They might prefer Bob Corker’s more subtle “black men can’t be trusted around white women” kind.


Democratic candidates Jim Webb and Claire McCaskill took the unusual step on
election night of declaring victory before their opponents conceded. Does this
signal a change in campaign tactics by the Democrats, who, with Al Gore in 2000
and John Kerry in 2004, made the mistake of conceding before the results were
even in?
Following embarrassing defeats in recent elections the Democrats turned to a motivational speaker to pump them up for this election. He convinced them of the power of positive thinking and they tried to visualize their success in the election. For the first time in years, they didn’t schedule “pity parties” for failed candidates to eat rocky road ice cream and bitch about how mean their opponent had been and how unfair everything was. This time they scheduled victory celebrations before any votes were cast to will themselves to victory. Between now and the 2008 election, each of them will read at least one piece of inspiring literature every day.
The Democrats weren’t actually saying, “We won, don’t bother counting all the votes.” They were really saying, “Finally, after six years, it’s good just to feel like winners.” And even if they had gone on to lose, it must have still felt good to go out and confidently say they had won.


Taking over the House and the Senate, Democrats appear to be in better shape
than they’ve been in years. How long can they hold onto these gains?
I hesitate to consult my Mayan calendar again because I don’t really want to know if it’s going to be bad news. It’s good that the Democrats are in better shape, but holding on isn’t all that important. Apparently the Presidential Fitness people don’t require the bent-arm hang anymore anyway. I guess you’re supposed to log physical activities and then you can achieve different levels like gold or silver. It was unclear how many points you needed to actually become president though. Hopefully Obama and Clinton know all the details.
Don’t let the victory fool you, they are perfectly capable of coughing this one up before the 2008 election. Sure, you’d think they could hold it until then, but as everyone keeps saying, these are not your Daddy’s Democrats. Your Daddy’s Democrats held onto the House for decades. With these Democrats the majority might evaporate before they’re even sworn in. A lot can happen in a month and a half.


Just a day after the election, Donald Rumsfeld resigned as Secretary of
Defense, even though Bush spent the last month saying that would never happen,
no matter what the election results were. Is this it for the terrorists? Have they won already, or is this just one small victory on their way to converting all of America to Islam?
I already touched on that issue in an earlier comment. For now I’ll just say that Allah is the one true god and Muhammed was his prophet. Also, I think this is a quote from the Qur’an:

“Good riddance Rumsfeld, you fucking dick.”

Osama bin Laden is loving every minute of this, no two ways about it, but he’s not going to give up. He won’t be happy until Bush and Cheney are out of office too. In fact, don’t look for al Qaeda to let up until the secular liberals have completely taken over America. Only then will it conform to the ideal Muslim society.


Let\’s talk ballot initiatives. Voters this year in nearly every state faced a
dizzying array of ballot measures. Why has this become such a popular way of
getting legislation passed?
They make me feel like an important lawmaker man. I get to go and vote the illegal immigrants off the island and be like “Haha you didn’t win immunity, now you have no rights!” I’ll probably never be on a reality show for real, so pretending by voting in mean propositions to take rights away from others is as close as I’ll probably ever get to voting someone off of Survivor.
Just as the Progressives envisioned, the initiative process gives corporations and wealthy individuals a way to use their money to influence the political process more directly. Buying enough legislators for a majority on any given issue can be costly and confusing, especially with the maze of campaign finance laws we have these days. It’s much easier to do it with a ballot initiative. That’s what the Progressive Movement was all about, increasing the power of monied interests over government. I think they’d be proud of the results of their reforms.

Voters in Arizona made history by being the first to reject an initiative
banning gay marriage. How long before all heterosexual couples in America will
be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex?
That’s bullshit. Heterosexual couples in America will never be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex. Queers will start raising kids and then the kids will catch the gay and there will be homos everywhere. Family units will self destruct, and chaos will ensue. The chaos will only last so long because gays can’t procreate. The American population will plummet until we don’t have enough men at the border to stop the Mexicans from taking over. Of course they’ll end up catching the gay (and AIDS) too and the species will die out on December 21st, 2012.
I have to disagree with FMK here. Homosexuality is not a disease; it’s an intriguing lifestyle with a lot of obvious benefits. The only thing stopping everyone from going gay is that they know they’ll be discriminated against when it comes to marriage. Take away all the incentives for heterosexual marriage and pretty soon everyone will realize how awesome homosexuality is. FMK is right that the species will die out, but it will take a bit longer than six years. Maybe seven.


Voters in California made history by being the first state to mandate that all
convicted sex offenders wear GPS tracking devices. Does this mark the end of
all sexual crimes in California?
No. There will still be incidents of molestation when the Charlotte Bobcats play at Sacramento, Golden State, or Los Angeles.
Unfortunately, it only marks the beginning of the end. The law also bans sex offenders from living near parks or schools. But whoever wrote this law is hopelessly out of touch with society. Kids these days don’t go to school very often and they’re already taught to avoid parks because they’re crawling with child molesters. However, children can be found in a number of other places such as shopping malls, bowling alleys, and Chuck E. Cheese, none of which are covered by the law. Since they apparently can’t ban sex offenders from living in California, and systematic castration continues to be rejected by the courts, they’re going to have to take it one step further and put GPS tracking devices on the children as well. Then and only then will the children be truly safe. Because all sex crimes are committed by people who have previously been convicted of sex crimes.


Voters in Missouri narrowly passed an initiative to fund stem cell research,
thanks in no small part to the efforts of Michael J. Fox. How long until
Missouri’s crack researchers find a cure for Parkinson’s and MJF is working on
Back to the Future, Part IV?
They should film Back to the Future, Part IV now. They can make Marty have Parkinson’s. That scene where he suddenly couldn’t play the guitar at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance wasn’t because he was fading from existence, it was the onset of his symptoms. Similarly in the second film where his future self couldn’t play guitar, supposedly because of a car accident he got into because of Needles. It wasn’t the car accident which ruined his hand, it was the disease. Doc and Marty will go back to the future to retrieve the cure for ParkinsonÂ’s. If the cure isn’t found in real life before they finish filming, they can have a sad ending where Marty dies in a hoverboard accident. If they do cure it, they can just redo the ending like with Fever Pitch. In this happier ending they should travel through time to stop Harrison Ford and George Lucas from making Indiana Jones 4.
Before answering this question, FMK should have traveled back in time to before he was a moron. How does filming Back to the Future IV now benefit anyone? Stem cell researchers need the motivation of knowing that Michael J. Fox is off limits for the movie until he is cured.


Time for “Fact or Fiction.” FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether each of
the following statements is completely true or totally false, with no
consideration that the answer may lie somewhere between the two extremes.

Fact or Fiction: Republicans secretly wanted to lose this election so they
could blame Democrats when Iraq falls apart completely.

FACT. Republicans will actually campaign by blaming Democrats for failing to vote against the war which we shouldn’t have gotten into. “They’re gun hating hippies, they should have known not to support the war, it’s all their fault!”
FACT. Everyone says Republicans would have been crazy to do this, and I agree, it’s a crazy move and one hell of a risky strategy. But obviously they had to do something, and having the chance to blame the Democrats may pay off in the end. It’s tough to whine about Democrats taxing, spending, and undermining our security when no one can remember what it was actually like when they were in power. This will serve as a reminder to everyone who forgot, that Democrats can only be trusted with one thing: taking power for brief periods of time to prove that they can’t be trusted with power.


Fact or Fiction: Democrats will use their majorities wisely – conducting
oversight and forcing the Bush administration into more moderate positions -
without overreaching and alienating voters?

FICTION. Democrats are going to try a bunch of stupid shit, get vetoed and whine about Bush. Then, people will forget about the scandals from this year and remember how completely unlikable the Democrats are. Democrats will make several crucial bad decisions and we’ll have to go back to debating whether we could survive Canadian winters.
FICTION. But they won’t alienate the voters by overreaching, they’ll do it by underreaching. They’re going to be so paranoid that they’ll do something the voters may not like, that they’re going to end up doing nothing. They’ll make some noise about Bush being wrong, but don’t expect much in the way of serious oversight or affirmative policy positions from these Democrats. No, they aren’t that kind of Democrats.


Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who
will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House.
FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.
FACT: Until now, no one had to worry about the Speaker of the House because it was always a man. Even the most recklessly conservative (Gingrich) or grossly incompetent (Hastert) man is more trustworthy than a woman, especially one who is a San Francisco Liberal. Look for Pelosi to bring a lot of new and overwhelmingly negative attention to the role of Speaker of the House. Did that sound too misogynistic?


Fact or Fiction: With a hostile Congress, George Bush will finally prove to be
the “uniter” he always claimed he would be.
FICTION. What he meant was he wanted to unite the conservatives controlling the Supreme Court and Congress with him in the White House. Unity has no room for Democrats.
FICTION, but only because this isn’t a hostile Congress, so he won’t have the chance to prove it. There are plenty of conservative and “moderate” Democrats who already agree with Bush on plenty of things. He won’t need to “unite,” he’ll just need to divide the Democratic Party.

Just a few final questions to wrap it up:

Now let’s look at the Superstars of this election. Take us through each of your
top three 2006 Midterm Election Prime Time Players?

My props have to go out to Janet Napolitano for being the first woman to win re-election as governor of Arizona. Beyond that, Janet strolled to an easy win as a Democrat in a red state. That’s good stuff. Bernard Sanders winning a Senate seat as a socialist was pretty impressive as well. That’s gotta be embarrassing for his opponent. It’s one thing to lose a mayoral race to a crackhead, but losing your Senate bid to a socialist is pretty rough. Harry Mitchell is still waiting for all of the ballots to be counted, but it looks like he’s given the boot to JD Hayworth who is a dick supreme. Atta boy Harry.
FMK likes to applaud the winners, and they did a great job, no doubt about it. But it takes two to do the Charleston (I think), and I want to salute the losers who put up a valiant effort and made this such an exciting election season. Number one, a scrappy kid out of Orange County named Tan Nguyen, who until about a month ago was looking to be another in a string of lackluster challengers for Loretta Sanchez’s seat in Congress. An immigrant himself, Nguyen sent out a letter to 14,000 registered Latino voters, implying that even legal immigrants would be sent to prison for attempting to vote. That’s almost Mark Foley-as-chairman-of-the-House-Caucus-on-Missing-and-Exploited-Children level hypocrisy. Of course, he still went on to lose by 13 points, but at least he got his name in the paper.

Number two, California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides ran a great campaign. He’s got a bright, bright future. In fact he already has two jobs lined up, now that the election is over, impersonating Gray Davis. I don’t know who would hire a Gray Davis impersonator, but for some reason Democrats thought it would be a good idea to have one run for governor.

Number three, Katherine Harris, who was running against a popular incumbent senator in Florida. Who knows, she might have won if she hadn’t sacrificed her political future in order to steal the election for Bush in 2000. Or if Nader hadn’t been on the ballot, putting the election within “stealing distance.” Fucking Nader, ruins everything. Everything.


Finally, who will be president on January 20, 2009?
John McCain. Democrats were handed a victory this time around, but they haven’t figured out that whole “Presidential Election” thing. Maybe if Bill Clinton could do all of the campaigning and make people forget it’s actually Hillary’s name on the ticket, things would work out, but I doubt it.
Nancy Pelosi. Bush, of course, will die somehow. He can’t expect to outlive the curse that claimed Lincoln, McKinley, FDR, Kennedy, and all the rest; he’s no Ronald Reagan, and Reagan barely cheated death. Obviously Cheney will last about ten minutes before his tenth heart attack finally delivers the knock-out punch. So it will be Nancy Pelosi on the morning of January 20, 2009. Since you didn’t ask me who will be president the rest of that day, I’ll stop before making some wild, outrageous prediction.
That’s all for this special edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap. Join us next time when we discuss the latest on the Bowl Championship Series, the NFL playoffs, and the NASCAR Nextel Cup!

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Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap

by on Jan.24, 2006, under Politics, Silliness, Sports
In this edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap, we’ll cover five of the biggest stories in sports: the Winter Olympics in Torino, Super Bowl XL in Detroit, Kobe Bryant’s 81-point game, Ron Artest, and the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito. As usual, we’ll have our expert analysts Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator make sense of it all by answering all the tough questions.

The Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy are just weeks away, with opening ceremonies set to take place on February 10th. People around the world are starting to get excited. But we’ll ask Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator what they should really be watching out for.

What, in your opinion, is the biggest story right now, with the opening ceremonies still a few weeks away?

Ole Einar Bjoerndalen of Norway has to be the biggest story. A favorite to win the Biathlon, he already has 5 Olympic gold medals, which is the most of any biathlete. His tremendous talent must make Norwegians and biathletes everywhere proud. It is unfortunate that biathletes are still limited to their own competitions while heteroathletes and even homoathletes are allowed to compete in any area they choose. Perhaps another superb performance from Bjoerndalen will demonstrate to the world that biathletes are capable of competing with anyone.
By far, the biggest story is from this past Monday, when the Pope gave his blessing to the
Winter Olympics. This is huge. The Winter Olympics are in Italy this year, and nothing goes down in Italy without Papal approval. Now thousands of elite athletes have been blessed by God to get together and make good use of the hundred-thousand condoms that the International Olympic Committee distributes at every Olympiad. As you may know, the Catholic Church is vehemently opposed to the use of condoms or contraception of any kind, so this is a pretty big deal.


What competitions should everyone pay attention to?

I briefly considered coming up with a different answer because I hate just restating the obvious, but we all know that curling is the be all end all of Winter Olympic competition. Curling is where it’s at. It’s not like its just pushing polished rocks across some ice, its an extreme fucking thrill ride. It doesn’t get any better than when the skip pulls off a steal and gets some crucial points without the hammer. If you’ve ever swept the ice to guide that granite rock, then you understand the skill and precision required. I know I’m just preaching to the choir here which is why we must wonder why only 15 of the 26 televised curling contests will be aired live. They wouldn’t tape delay the Super Bowl or March Madness, so what makes them think that it’s acceptable to miss so much of the curling? My fellow fans, I implore you to write letters in protest of this travesty of poor scheduling.
Two words: Bob sledding. The Jamaican Bobsledding Team is back again this time around, and everyone is saying that this could be the games when they finally break through and win the
medal that they deserve, if not for their actual bobsledding performance, then at least for inspiring the
greatest bobsledding movie of all time. You know what movie I’m talking about, because there are no other bobsledding
movies. Cool Runnings is it. The Jamaican Bobsledding team made bobsledding relevant. They made it mainstream. You could say they mainstreamized it and they relevantized it. If it had been the Jamaican ski team, or the Jamaican ice dancing team, they probably would have had the same effect on those sports. Because the important thing is that there’s no ice or snow in Jamaica. But it just so happened that they were bobsledders, and the sport of bobsledding owes them everything for it. Without the Jamaican Bobsledding Team and Cool Runnings, bobsledding would be just another winter sport no one cares about. It would be no better than curling. And the only reason anyone knows about curling is that it’s so fucking ridiculous. All they do is push polished rocks across some ice! And they sweep the ice with brooms. Sweeping is not what you do in a competition. Sweeping is what you do to prepare playing surfaces for competition. What’s next, the Olympic sport of zamboni racing?

What are going to be the big stories after it’s all said and done?

Markku Uusipaavalniemi, or U-15 as they call the Finish skip is literally the biggest name in curling, which we have already established as the biggest sport. His rink only finished 5th in 2002, but he has finished in the top five at every world championship and Olympics since 2000, so I feel he’s poised to make a medal run this year. Fortunately he gave up his brief distraction of diving and has focused his skills on the big show. Having once received the highest score in the country on a math test and having completed a Rubik’s Cube in 25 seconds, he has the incredible mental strength necessary for any curling skip. “Uusi” means “new,” “niemi” means “peninsula” and the rest is filler to make his name larger and more intimidating. Not that Markku needs any help with the way he can play a hammer.

The whole world will be saying it:

“Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme. Get on up. It’s bobsled time.”

Super Bowl XL (Forty) is on Sunday, February 5th in Detroit.

More often than not, someone does something stupid in the days running up to a game as important as the Super Bowl. Who will it be this year, and what will they be accused of doing the night before the game?

I gotta go with Hasselbeck. I don’t think it will be as depraved or disturbing as some of the drug benders or violent incidents of the past. I picture it being something tragically simple. He’ll shut the fingers of his throwing hand in his hotel door and be unable to hold a football. Either that or he’ll get Rogaine in his eyes and be temporarily blinded.
It won’t be a crime, but the shocking surprise will
come the morning of the Super Bowl when Troy Polamalu shows up completely bald. Although
there will be rumors that a transvestite stripper named Delilah seduced him and shaved all his hair off,
Polamalu will later reveal that he just felt his hair had gotten “too long,” and it was taking “forever” to wash and dry. Needless to say, Polamalu will have the worst game of his career. So I guess it will be a crime after all, depriving the world of those beautiful flowing locks.


Aretha Franklin and Aaron Neville will be singing the National Anthem before the game. How excited are you about this, exactly?
To be perfectly honest, I was hoping for Paul Anka.
I have to wonder where the rest of the Neville brothers will be. What are they, chopped
liver? Aaron Neville without Art, Charles, and Cyril is like Tito Jackson without Marlon,
Jackie, Jermaine, and Michael. It’s just not right. I’ll still watch it, of course, because I
can’t get enough Aretha.


Everyone knows that the commercials are usually more interesting than the game itself, anyway. Will that be true again this year? What companies are you looking for to come out and make a big statement with expensive commercial spots this year?
It will probably be true again this year. Beer and Soda companies were traditionally the most consistent, but recently some internet companies have been working their way in. I want to see Bud Light come back with a strong showing.
I heard they’re going to run the whole thing without commercial interruption this year.


What half-time show will you be watching, the Rolling Stones in Detroit, or something else?
This is a no brainer. During any slow moments in the game, I’ll be tuning in to Puppy Bowl II on Animal Planet. This year they’ll have a kitten half time show. If you don’t watch that, you’re evil and you hate America.
No brainer is right. FMK clearly has no brain. Anyone with a brain will be watching the Rolling Stones. You’d be crazy to miss the Super Bowl halftime show, especially after what happened last year with Paul McCartney and Alicia Keys.


Who will be this year’s Super Bowl Champion?
The Indianapolis Colts. I’ve seen enough ESPN to know that nobody can stop the 2nd greatest football offense of all time. Not being in the Super Bowl certainly won’t slow them down. In fact it will just make it easier for Manning to watch film during the game. Imagine what he can do with that sort of preparation! The only team that would have a chance to keep up with the Colts offense would be the USC Trojans with Jesus Leinart and Reggie Christ. Anyone picking the Steelers or the Seahawks is just trying to stir up a debate. Those guys don’t really believe the Steelers or the Seahawks can win, they’re just putting those outrageous predictions out there so if some freak miracle happens, they’ll look smart. If not, nobody will remember anyway because everyone will appropriately be talking about the unstoppable Colts.
For once FMK is right – sort of. The Colts present a tough match-up for anyone. Mike Vanderjagt alone is the deadliest kicker in the game. USC might have had a slim chance, but Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart haven’t attended class since the Rose Bowl and are now academically ineligible. Still, I have to say that the Seahawks and the Steelers have the best chances of winning. I’d pick one or the other, but apparently that would mean I was “just trying to stir up a debate.”

It was announced recently that Ron Artest would be traded to the Sacramento Kings for Peja Stojakovic. Shortly thereafter, the trade was cancelled because Artest didn’t want to play in Sacramento.

Why doesn’t anyone like Sacramento?

I don’t know, but I’ll tell you this. It’s one thing when someone from New York or Los Angeles bad-mouths Sacramento for being a hick town. But when someone who lives and plays in Indianapolis, Indiana decides that he hates Sacramento, you have to wonder. Just how crazy is Ron Artest?


A few days ago, Stojakovic came out and said he wouldn’t mind taking a pay cut to continue playing in Sacramento, which he considers his home. How about the Kings stabbing him in the back like that?
Hey, he did ask to be traded first. Then he said he wanted to stay. Maybe they just decided “That crazy fool can’t make up his damn mind.” I’m sure his change of mind happened because he found a good NASCAR bowling league to join and not because his trade value has hit an all time low and his next contract isn’t going to be as big as everyone once thought.
The Kings have to get rid of Peja. They’ve gotten rid of every other likeable player from those fun Kings teams from the late 90s until ’03 – Scot Pollard, Jon Barry, Bobby Jackson, White Chocolate, Webber, Turkoglu, and Divac, not to mention the occasionally-likeable Doug Christie. Why keep up the pretense that this is a fun team to watch? With Artest probably a no-go, maybe the Kings can trade Peja to Philadelphia for Terrell Owens. Peja could be reunited with his best buddy Chris Webber, and the Kings could get the combination of incredible talent and constant volatility they were looking for with Artest.


What is the next move for Artest?
Travelling the country to teach math to young children is still an option. Besides that, look for him to produce and rap on B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret II: Where Basketball and Hip Hop Collide AGAIN! He’s played me some of the rough demos from Manu Ginobilli, Earl Boykins, Yao Ming, and Rip Hamilton. They are straight bananas.


Kobe Bryant scored 81 points against the Toronto Raptors on Sunday night, singlehandedly winning the game for the Lakers. It’s the second highest single-game point total ever, second only to Wilt Chamberlain.

Rank this among the great individual performances in the history of sports.

It’s right up there with Ron Artest’s crowd riot game, Charles Barkley’s spitting incident and Randy Moss’s disgusting fake mooning motion. What the fuck was he thinking shooting the ball that many times? It’s a miracle they pulled out the win with him hogging the ball so much. I’d understand him trying to carry the load if they were desperate, but with Smush Parker and Kwame Brown on the floor, I can’t even believe he wasn’t feeding them the ball. Where are his assist records? Vince Carter, the consummate team player was wise enough to call him out and let him know what a poor example he was setting for the youth of America. Thank you Vince, at least someone in the NBA knows how to behave.
Scoring a lot of points in an NBA game is pretty much the greatest individual achievement there is in sports. So I’d say it’s 20% less impressive than Chamberlain’s 100-point game, 4% more impressive than Chamberlain’s 78-point game, and 10% more impressive than both of Chamberlain’s 73-point games. With a margin of error of I-don’t-really-know-how-to-calculate-percentages.


Many people are hesitant to praise Kobe for his accomplishment. Why is that?
So it’s an “accomplishment” now to neglect your teammates? He can score as many points as he wants, but its not going to make us forget what he did to that girl or how mean he was to Shaq. Isn’t Shaq funny? I like Shaq. He’s big.
People act like Kobe was the first professional athlete ever accused of raping someone. I don’t know if he was or not, but I’m guessing “not.” And besides, people give NBA players a hard time about all their illegitimate children. Kobe didn’t even get the girl pregnant. But you just can’t win with some people. Maybe they’d prefer that NBA players remain celibate. Or maybe the NBA needs to start handing out condoms to players, the way they do at the Olympics.


Who would you take right now, Shaq or Kobe?
Shaq of course. He may have less years left, but he can play with teammates and he’s still a dominant force. His team was in the Eastern Conferece Finals last year. Where was Kobe’s? Oh yeah, the Lakers didn’t even make the playoffs. Case closed.
As crazy as it sounds, I’d take Kobe. Shaq is only now coming back from injury, whereas Kobe hasn’t scored fewer than 27 points in a game since he was suspended for two games for cheap-shotting Mike Miller with an elbow to the trachea. He’s unstoppable.


Will we ever see a feat like this again?
As much as I’d like to say no, I think yeah, it’ll happen again. Some showboating, selfish ego-maniac like that no good Latrell Sprewell will totally ignore his team and try to score 100 points. I’d prefer to see the NBA crack down on that sort of anti-social behavior and fine players for acting so irresponsibly.
Do you know who else is on the Lakers? Me neither. The only way the Lakers make the playoffs is if Bryant averages 80 a game for the rest of the season.

Samuel Alito’s confirmation hearings in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee are now complete. The Senate Judiciary Committee voted to approve Alito on a party-line 10-8 vote. Now the process moves into the full Senate, where debate will begin today.

Now it’s time for Fact or Fiction. FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether each of the following statements is completely true or totally false, with no consideration that the answer may lie somewhere between the two extremes.

Fact or Fiction: Democrats will mount a serious attempt at filibustering Samuel Alito.

FICTION. You have to stand up to someone to do that right? The Democrats still don’t have the confidence to really battle it out in the trenches. They may take a cheap shot or grab his facemask or something, but after the penalty is enforced, there’s no way he’ll be denied.
FACT. The Democrats need to do something to stop the ship from sinking, and they’ll do whatever it takes to show the American people that they not only have a spine, but a positive and progressive agenda for the country. There’s a lot of negative attention focused on the Republicans right now, but this will be the first and best opportunity for Senate Democrats to grab the spotlight by standing up for what they believe in. They’re going to show the country that they will stand up and fight for what is right – and against what is wrong.

Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s fiction.


Fact or Fiction: Samuel Alito will be confirmed as associate justice and will take over Sandra Day O’Connor’s seat on the Supreme Court.
FICTION. I say fiction only because of your use of the future tense. Alito has already been confirmed. Many people have fallen for the play-fake, but the Republicans have already secretly had him confirmed. They are blocking as if it is a confirmation play, but that’s so the Democratic defensive backfield will bite and be out of position when Bush throws another long ball.
FACT. And if O’Connor suddenly decides she doesn’t want to pack it in and hang it up just yet, look for Ruth Bader Ginsburg or David Souter to suddenly suffer a mysterious, unfortunate, and tragic accident. Probably a mysterious, unfortunate, and tragic exploding-robe accident. Alito will be on that bench.


Fact or Fiction: Samuel Alito will dramatically change the ideological balance of the Supreme Court.
FICTION. I’m not convinced of his ability to be an impact player in the big leagues. His 40 times are slow, his wingspan is less than what you’d want and his previous statistics would suggest he’s just going to end up riding the bench.
I gotta disagree with FMK again here. That’s a FACT. Alito is a true right-wing ideologue, the kind members of the conservative movement would masturbate to if they didn’t believe doing so would be a sin. So instead they just picture Alito when they’re having sex with the unattractive woman they married in large part to convince everyone – themselves included – that they’re not gay. Unless it’s Bob Packwood, Bob Barr, Rudy Giuliani, or Newt Gingrich, in which case they’re thinking about Alito while having sex with their unattractive mistress. But they hardly ever have sex with their wives, so it’s still a lot like monogamy.

Which is all a long way of saying Alito is a game-changer. He may not have the physical abilities of a Scalia or a Thomas, or the intellectual prowess of a John Paul Stevens, but he’s young and he’s committed to the cause. He once ruled that the federal government had no constitutional power to regulate the sale of machine guns. This guy is a true believer, who will do whatever it takes to overturn every advancement in consumer protection, environmental regulation, and civil rights from the last century. Or not. But maybe.


Fact or Fiction: With Alito on board, the Supreme Court will overturn Roe v. Wade and no woman will ever have an abortion within the United States.
FICTION. On top of the short wingspan, Alito still doesn’t provide enough strength in the paint to really take this group all the way. I think they’re still one big man away from being where they want to be.
FACT. The Supreme Court has gone through a lot of rebuilding in the last 33 years since Roe affirmed people’s right to kill babies. With Alito, they’ve finally got the last piece in place. It’s long overdue, but at last the Supreme Court can overturn Roe and take this country back to the glory days when there was no abortion whatsoever.


Fact or Fiction: Harriet Myers would have been a better pick.
FICTION We can talk about numbers and physical ability, but being a Supreme Court Justice is really all about heart. You have to want it more than the other person. She clearly didn’t have it. You can’t teach height, you can’t teach speed, and you can’t teach heart. She’s done in this league.
FICTION. Myers was a horrible decision by the president, but she did one thing right. She was so bad that she ensured Alito’s confirmation. After Myers, people were just glad to have a nominee who wasn’t functionally illiterate or borderline retarded. Bush probably could have nominated Hitler, so long as he had a law degree and a modicum of judicial experience. I’m not suggesting that Alito is worse than Hitler. Or better. I’m just saying that if Bush had wanted to nominate Hitler, this was his chance.
Be sure to join us next time when Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap deals with March Madness, Major League Baseball spring training, the Academy Awards, and much more!

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