Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap

Wrap Wrap Rap


This is the rap of the wrap of the wrap

We wrapped all this crap
Now we rap all this wrap
It’s been awhile since we last changed the site

So tonight we will fight with our might
Not to sound trite
But to create with our hate

Things that are great
Although it comes late
And we’ve made you wait
It’s better says Heather
To be late than never
So here comes the recap
The re-wrap that we rap
Bringin’ the knee-slap, the laughter, the hand clap

So crank up your font size, cuz this is the Wrap Wrap

Incipiat Turba gets updated very infrequently and the last update was several months ago. What is the reason for the lack of updates?


Freaky Metal Kid 		Heathen and I were abducted by Nigerians in a money laundering deal gone wrong. We were hanging out and Heathen freaked out all of a sudden.

“They found me! I don’t know how but they found me!”

“Who?” I asked her.

“The Nigerians!” she yelled.

We got thrown into a van and then we found ourselves locked in a dark room somewhere. We heard the Nigerian guys arguing outside and then some gunshots. After a period of silence, Heathen and I broke down the door and discovered that the Nigerians had killed each other. Then, we got Slurpees and headed home. That took at least a few hours. The rest of the time we’ve spent playing with Lego.

The Agitator 		Incipiat Turba lacks the competitive fire that got us to the top all those years ago. You can’t blame us for falling off a bit after declaring victory over the universe; where are we supposed to go from there? By definition, the universe is everything. And you can’t fault us for declaring victory when we did – the universe was down for the count. Only recently have there been rumors about the universe getting back into shape and making noise about a potential comeback, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope for Incipiat Turba vs. the Universe II. At best, we may be able to look forward to seeing Incipiat Turba in action during its rare exhibition matches.


Looking back on the previous Wraps, who do you feel did a better job analyzing the sports and political issues covered?

I obviously out-wrapped The Agitator. He admitted to not having a Mayan calendar available when he was trying to make predictions and he also admitted to not being able to name any of the players on the Lakers besides Kobe (I can’t either, but I’ll never admit that to our readers). The Agitator claimed that the Super Bowl would air without commercial interruption, whereas I predicted that the Colts would be champions. So what if I got Pacal Votan’s words a little mixed up and called it a year too soon? I still called it.
FMK is right, for once. He did a much better job than I did. Was I even trying? It was so long ago I can’t remember what I was thinking. I hope I wasn’t giving it my usual 110%, but even if it was only 105%, it’s still an embarrassment. Hopefully I can redeem myself when we do our next wrap. I just hope my retirement community will still be letting me use the internet when we get around to it.

Give us your top 7 plays of the Wraps.


5) Stuart Scott asks, “Is this how you go to work?”




Yeah, Stu, that’s how we dress to go to work. We’re just nutty.

4) The Agitator suggested a trade between Sacramento and Philadelphia where Peja is exchanged for T.O. This didn’t go through, but let’s look at what did happen. Artest came to Sacramento, seemed decent for half of a season and then turned into the same asshole he’d been before. He got so bored being in Sacramento, that he had to take up domestic violence for entertainment. T.O. accepted a trade to Dallas where he led the league in dropped passes, probably because Tony Romo threw them in such an un-American, cheeseburger hating way. Would things have been any worse if The Agitator’s idea came to fruition? I don’t think so. The cross-league trade would have been a big story for both leagues, so clearly the owners need to start thinking outside the box like The Agitator.

3) Freaky Metal Kid picks the Colts to win the Super Bowl. Any bum can flip a coin and get the winner of the Super Bowl which is about to be played and both teams have been determined. I predicted that Peyton Manning would soon hoist the Lombardi trophy without even knowing the results of the next draft, free-agency signing period, preseason, regular season, and play-offs. I’m not even a total Colts homer. I’m just that good at making picks.

2) Since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, I have another graphical entry. Just look at this goofy bastard and try not to laugh:

Also, I assume that saying means a thousand words of someone with an average vocabulary. Since I’m damn near illiterate, I assume that the exchange rate is more like two or three million words.

1) As mentioned in the previous clip, actual written jokes are nearly impossible for a lazy cretin like myself to crank out, so this spot goes to my awesome wordplay in the last wrap:

Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal that really caught on with the public?

Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip

Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House.

FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.

I can only think of two:

Number 1.
Number 2.

I mean, how can you pick favorites from all that great stuff? I’d have trouble even if I wanted to take the time to try!
Looking back on the previous Wraps, are there any ideas that in hindsight don’t hold up? What was the worst part of the Wraps?
I don’t recall saying anything that wasn’t spot on. I do think I should have held back some information though. Doc says that people aren’t supposed to know too much about the future.
By far the worst part of the Wraps has been their overwhelming success. They”ve created such a high standard for Incipiat Turba content that nothing else can possibly compare. It’s made us afraid of making crappy updates about random things that have no hope of comparing to the Wraps. I can only assume that’s why FMK is completely phoning this one in, to bring the ridiculously high standard down to a more attainable level.


Time for “Buy or Sell.” FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether people should buy imaginary stock in a random statement. I think buying means you’re supportive of the statement and selling means you disagree. Basically it’s “Fact or Fiction,” but with new words to make it sound like a fun new concept.

Buy or Sell: Incipiat Turba updating again before June

I’m going to buy. It’s a high risk, high reward type deal. There’s obviously a very good chance that the site will not be updated again until 2012, but I think this Wrap Wrap and the Wrap Wrap Rap will provide enough inspiration to get the Incipiat Turba update stock soaring. Did I do this right?
I’ll buy this. Something will undoubtedly happen during the NBA playoffs that compels FMK to post some kind of update, kind of like his NBA playoffs blog last year.


Buy or Sell: New Wrap content bringing in more visitors than “chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie”

I have to sell this one. Since the site was re-organized with the CMS, the previously dominant Journey and Larry Wilcox pages have fallen right off of the search string map. The Lost and Found is driving our hits and chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is leading the pack. We used to top the search engine lists for suicide related strings and we were once the top Larry Wilcox page, but it looks like Incipiat Turba is now gunning for the top chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie spot.
Not a chance. Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is a classic piece of comedy from one of the greatest shows of the late 1990s. It will always bring in more hits than anything else, unless we start putting up Third Rock from the Sun quotes. I can’t remember any off the top of my head, so I’m definitely selling this. Although now we’ll get hits for “Third Rock from the Sun quotes.” Hmm, this is a tough one.


Buy or Sell: Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator are so retarded that there will eventually be a Wrap Wrap Wrap with a Wrap Wrap Wrap Rap.
I’m going to sell this. I fully believe that they are that retarded. In fact, I know they are. They are too lazy to really put that laziness to use though. This stock will be a loser because any idea that ever occurs to Incipiat Turba eventually fades into nothingness, no matter how beautifully retarded it is.
I’m selling this as well. This whole Wrap Wrap concept is already pushing the limits of our mental capacities. I just don’t think we’re capable of operating on that many levels, when operating on one level is such a challenge. It would be like trying to run up two or three flights of stairs when you’re having trouble just walking around on the ground floor.


The next wrap will feature an “Over/Under” segment.
I’m buying this. The only real question here is “Will The Agitator or Freaky Metal Kid overcome laziness at least one more time in the future to create another wrap?” Admittedly, that’s not something to bank on, but I’m optimistic. In fact, I’d say the Over/Under of Over/Under questions in future wraps will be over 0. Did I do that right? I’m not sure what it would mean if I said under 0, so it has to be right. Right?
I’d buy this twice if I were allowed to. Am I allowed to?
That’s all for this special edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap. Join us next time when we discuss the latest on the NCAA Tournament, spring training, the NBA Finals, and the first half of the 2008 NFL season.