Welcome to another edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap, where Incipiat Turba’s
sports analysts break down the top sports stories from the world of sports.
This time around, we’ll be deviating from our pattern of focusing entirely on sports. Instead, we’ll cover the recent midterm elections, in which
Democrats took over the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate, among
a number of other interesting developments. As always, we’ll have our expert
analysts Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator make sense of it
all by answering the tough questions . . .

In a development everyone predicted but no one really believed could happen, the
Democrats have retaken control of the House of Representatives for the first
time since 1994. How badly did the Democrats need this win?

Very badly. Bush has put in a Grossman-like performance with a whole bunch of turnovers. A loss would have made the Democrats the political equivalent of the Arizona Cardinals. Howard Dean screaming “They are who we thought they were!” about the GOP would be even funnier than his previous meltdown, but his “Booya!” on The Daily Show was funny enough and it came without the aftertaste of crushing depression and hopelessness.
The Democrats absolutely had to come out and prove something this time around. They didn’t show that they have heart, guts, or a spine, but they did prove that this is still a two-party system. It’s clichĂ©, but this was a good day for democracy, not necessarily because the people will have their voices heard – that remains to be seen – but because without competitive elections between at least two real political parties, the U.S. would literally fail to meet the basic requirements for being considered a democratic country. Let’s just say this was a big day for Democrats and an even bigger one for America’s official status as a democracy.


Some of the voters’ top concerns in this campaign were Iraq, terrorism, and
corruption. Which one was decisive in this campaign?

It was obviously terrorism. The terrorists wanted our government full of liberal wimps who wouldn’t put up a fight. Clearly the terrorists have made their worst strike yet and manipulated the election. The frightening part is how nobody noticed. Minnesota even put a Muslim in office! I don’t want to make myself a target, so I’ll just leave it at that.
That’s a trick question; it’s really only one concern. Iraq is central to the war on terrorism, we all know that. And Islamic terrorism is God’s vengeance for the unprecedented level of corruption in American society. But I don’t know what we did to deserve a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress. God must be fucking pissed about Britney Spears’ divorce.

Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal
that really caught on with the public?

Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip.
The Foley scandal was big because the Republicans sold it so well. Just a great play when they absolutely needed it. It’s tough to execute the “smaller scandal to distract from the bigger scandal,” or, as most political parties call it, “Red Left, 39 Fly,” but when it works, it works. No one ever sees it coming, and when the smaller scandal is anything related to sex, it’s almost impossible to defend against. Sure, they went on to lose the election, but this play was instrumental in limiting the Republicans’ losses.
Barring a miracle for Republican incumbent George Allen in Virginia, Democrats
will likely take control of the Senate on the strength of three key “red state”
wins, in Virginia, Missouri, and Montana. How surprising is this result?
It wasn’t really surprising at all. Anyone with a Mayan calendar saw this coming. Pacal Votan called it back in the 7th century, so nobody should act too shocked.
Well, I didn’t get a 2006 Mayan desk calendar for Christmas last year, so I’m quite a bit more shocked than FMK. After 2004, people were starting to wonder if there were any Democrats left in those states to run for office, let alone vote. And the jury’s still out on Virginia, where Webb is a former Republican. It only proves that Virginia Republicans are not entirely comfortable with George Allen’s brand of out-and-out racial-slur racism. They might prefer Bob Corker’s more subtle “black men can’t be trusted around white women” kind.


Democratic candidates Jim Webb and Claire McCaskill took the unusual step on
election night of declaring victory before their opponents conceded. Does this
signal a change in campaign tactics by the Democrats, who, with Al Gore in 2000
and John Kerry in 2004, made the mistake of conceding before the results were
even in?
Following embarrassing defeats in recent elections the Democrats turned to a motivational speaker to pump them up for this election. He convinced them of the power of positive thinking and they tried to visualize their success in the election. For the first time in years, they didn’t schedule “pity parties” for failed candidates to eat rocky road ice cream and bitch about how mean their opponent had been and how unfair everything was. This time they scheduled victory celebrations before any votes were cast to will themselves to victory. Between now and the 2008 election, each of them will read at least one piece of inspiring literature every day.
The Democrats weren’t actually saying, “We won, don’t bother counting all the votes.” They were really saying, “Finally, after six years, it’s good just to feel like winners.” And even if they had gone on to lose, it must have still felt good to go out and confidently say they had won.


Taking over the House and the Senate, Democrats appear to be in better shape
than they’ve been in years. How long can they hold onto these gains?
I hesitate to consult my Mayan calendar again because I don’t really want to know if it’s going to be bad news. It’s good that the Democrats are in better shape, but holding on isn’t all that important. Apparently the Presidential Fitness people don’t require the bent-arm hang anymore anyway. I guess you’re supposed to log physical activities and then you can achieve different levels like gold or silver. It was unclear how many points you needed to actually become president though. Hopefully Obama and Clinton know all the details.
Don’t let the victory fool you, they are perfectly capable of coughing this one up before the 2008 election. Sure, you’d think they could hold it until then, but as everyone keeps saying, these are not your Daddy’s Democrats. Your Daddy’s Democrats held onto the House for decades. With these Democrats the majority might evaporate before they’re even sworn in. A lot can happen in a month and a half.


Just a day after the election, Donald Rumsfeld resigned as Secretary of
Defense, even though Bush spent the last month saying that would never happen,
no matter what the election results were. Is this it for the terrorists? Have they won already, or is this just one small victory on their way to converting all of America to Islam?
I already touched on that issue in an earlier comment. For now I’ll just say that Allah is the one true god and Muhammed was his prophet. Also, I think this is a quote from the Qur’an:

“Good riddance Rumsfeld, you fucking dick.”

Osama bin Laden is loving every minute of this, no two ways about it, but he’s not going to give up. He won’t be happy until Bush and Cheney are out of office too. In fact, don’t look for al Qaeda to let up until the secular liberals have completely taken over America. Only then will it conform to the ideal Muslim society.


Let\’s talk ballot initiatives. Voters this year in nearly every state faced a
dizzying array of ballot measures. Why has this become such a popular way of
getting legislation passed?
They make me feel like an important lawmaker man. I get to go and vote the illegal immigrants off the island and be like “Haha you didn’t win immunity, now you have no rights!” I’ll probably never be on a reality show for real, so pretending by voting in mean propositions to take rights away from others is as close as I’ll probably ever get to voting someone off of Survivor.
Just as the Progressives envisioned, the initiative process gives corporations and wealthy individuals a way to use their money to influence the political process more directly. Buying enough legislators for a majority on any given issue can be costly and confusing, especially with the maze of campaign finance laws we have these days. It’s much easier to do it with a ballot initiative. That’s what the Progressive Movement was all about, increasing the power of monied interests over government. I think they’d be proud of the results of their reforms.

Voters in Arizona made history by being the first to reject an initiative
banning gay marriage. How long before all heterosexual couples in America will
be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex?
That’s bullshit. Heterosexual couples in America will never be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex. Queers will start raising kids and then the kids will catch the gay and there will be homos everywhere. Family units will self destruct, and chaos will ensue. The chaos will only last so long because gays can’t procreate. The American population will plummet until we don’t have enough men at the border to stop the Mexicans from taking over. Of course they’ll end up catching the gay (and AIDS) too and the species will die out on December 21st, 2012.
I have to disagree with FMK here. Homosexuality is not a disease; it’s an intriguing lifestyle with a lot of obvious benefits. The only thing stopping everyone from going gay is that they know they’ll be discriminated against when it comes to marriage. Take away all the incentives for heterosexual marriage and pretty soon everyone will realize how awesome homosexuality is. FMK is right that the species will die out, but it will take a bit longer than six years. Maybe seven.


Voters in California made history by being the first state to mandate that all
convicted sex offenders wear GPS tracking devices. Does this mark the end of
all sexual crimes in California?
No. There will still be incidents of molestation when the Charlotte Bobcats play at Sacramento, Golden State, or Los Angeles.
Unfortunately, it only marks the beginning of the end. The law also bans sex offenders from living near parks or schools. But whoever wrote this law is hopelessly out of touch with society. Kids these days don’t go to school very often and they’re already taught to avoid parks because they’re crawling with child molesters. However, children can be found in a number of other places such as shopping malls, bowling alleys, and Chuck E. Cheese, none of which are covered by the law. Since they apparently can’t ban sex offenders from living in California, and systematic castration continues to be rejected by the courts, they’re going to have to take it one step further and put GPS tracking devices on the children as well. Then and only then will the children be truly safe. Because all sex crimes are committed by people who have previously been convicted of sex crimes.


Voters in Missouri narrowly passed an initiative to fund stem cell research,
thanks in no small part to the efforts of Michael J. Fox. How long until
Missouri’s crack researchers find a cure for Parkinson’s and MJF is working on
Back to the Future, Part IV?
They should film Back to the Future, Part IV now. They can make Marty have Parkinson’s. That scene where he suddenly couldn’t play the guitar at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance wasn’t because he was fading from existence, it was the onset of his symptoms. Similarly in the second film where his future self couldn’t play guitar, supposedly because of a car accident he got into because of Needles. It wasn’t the car accident which ruined his hand, it was the disease. Doc and Marty will go back to the future to retrieve the cure for ParkinsonÂ’s. If the cure isn’t found in real life before they finish filming, they can have a sad ending where Marty dies in a hoverboard accident. If they do cure it, they can just redo the ending like with Fever Pitch. In this happier ending they should travel through time to stop Harrison Ford and George Lucas from making Indiana Jones 4.
Before answering this question, FMK should have traveled back in time to before he was a moron. How does filming Back to the Future IV now benefit anyone? Stem cell researchers need the motivation of knowing that Michael J. Fox is off limits for the movie until he is cured.


Time for “Fact or Fiction.” FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether each of
the following statements is completely true or totally false, with no
consideration that the answer may lie somewhere between the two extremes.

Fact or Fiction: Republicans secretly wanted to lose this election so they
could blame Democrats when Iraq falls apart completely.

FACT. Republicans will actually campaign by blaming Democrats for failing to vote against the war which we shouldn’t have gotten into. “They’re gun hating hippies, they should have known not to support the war, it’s all their fault!”
FACT. Everyone says Republicans would have been crazy to do this, and I agree, it’s a crazy move and one hell of a risky strategy. But obviously they had to do something, and having the chance to blame the Democrats may pay off in the end. It’s tough to whine about Democrats taxing, spending, and undermining our security when no one can remember what it was actually like when they were in power. This will serve as a reminder to everyone who forgot, that Democrats can only be trusted with one thing: taking power for brief periods of time to prove that they can’t be trusted with power.


Fact or Fiction: Democrats will use their majorities wisely – conducting
oversight and forcing the Bush administration into more moderate positions -
without overreaching and alienating voters?

FICTION. Democrats are going to try a bunch of stupid shit, get vetoed and whine about Bush. Then, people will forget about the scandals from this year and remember how completely unlikable the Democrats are. Democrats will make several crucial bad decisions and we’ll have to go back to debating whether we could survive Canadian winters.
FICTION. But they won’t alienate the voters by overreaching, they’ll do it by underreaching. They’re going to be so paranoid that they’ll do something the voters may not like, that they’re going to end up doing nothing. They’ll make some noise about Bush being wrong, but don’t expect much in the way of serious oversight or affirmative policy positions from these Democrats. No, they aren’t that kind of Democrats.


Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who
will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House.
FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.
FACT: Until now, no one had to worry about the Speaker of the House because it was always a man. Even the most recklessly conservative (Gingrich) or grossly incompetent (Hastert) man is more trustworthy than a woman, especially one who is a San Francisco Liberal. Look for Pelosi to bring a lot of new and overwhelmingly negative attention to the role of Speaker of the House. Did that sound too misogynistic?


Fact or Fiction: With a hostile Congress, George Bush will finally prove to be
the “uniter” he always claimed he would be.
FICTION. What he meant was he wanted to unite the conservatives controlling the Supreme Court and Congress with him in the White House. Unity has no room for Democrats.
FICTION, but only because this isn’t a hostile Congress, so he won’t have the chance to prove it. There are plenty of conservative and “moderate” Democrats who already agree with Bush on plenty of things. He won’t need to “unite,” he’ll just need to divide the Democratic Party.

Just a few final questions to wrap it up:

Now let’s look at the Superstars of this election. Take us through each of your
top three 2006 Midterm Election Prime Time Players?

My props have to go out to Janet Napolitano for being the first woman to win re-election as governor of Arizona. Beyond that, Janet strolled to an easy win as a Democrat in a red state. That’s good stuff. Bernard Sanders winning a Senate seat as a socialist was pretty impressive as well. That’s gotta be embarrassing for his opponent. It’s one thing to lose a mayoral race to a crackhead, but losing your Senate bid to a socialist is pretty rough. Harry Mitchell is still waiting for all of the ballots to be counted, but it looks like he’s given the boot to JD Hayworth who is a dick supreme. Atta boy Harry.
FMK likes to applaud the winners, and they did a great job, no doubt about it. But it takes two to do the Charleston (I think), and I want to salute the losers who put up a valiant effort and made this such an exciting election season. Number one, a scrappy kid out of Orange County named Tan Nguyen, who until about a month ago was looking to be another in a string of lackluster challengers for Loretta Sanchez’s seat in Congress. An immigrant himself, Nguyen sent out a letter to 14,000 registered Latino voters, implying that even legal immigrants would be sent to prison for attempting to vote. That’s almost Mark Foley-as-chairman-of-the-House-Caucus-on-Missing-and-Exploited-Children level hypocrisy. Of course, he still went on to lose by 13 points, but at least he got his name in the paper.

Number two, California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides ran a great campaign. He’s got a bright, bright future. In fact he already has two jobs lined up, now that the election is over, impersonating Gray Davis. I don’t know who would hire a Gray Davis impersonator, but for some reason Democrats thought it would be a good idea to have one run for governor.

Number three, Katherine Harris, who was running against a popular incumbent senator in Florida. Who knows, she might have won if she hadn’t sacrificed her political future in order to steal the election for Bush in 2000. Or if Nader hadn’t been on the ballot, putting the election within “stealing distance.” Fucking Nader, ruins everything. Everything.


Finally, who will be president on January 20, 2009?
John McCain. Democrats were handed a victory this time around, but they haven’t figured out that whole “Presidential Election” thing. Maybe if Bill Clinton could do all of the campaigning and make people forget it’s actually Hillary’s name on the ticket, things would work out, but I doubt it.
Nancy Pelosi. Bush, of course, will die somehow. He can’t expect to outlive the curse that claimed Lincoln, McKinley, FDR, Kennedy, and all the rest; he’s no Ronald Reagan, and Reagan barely cheated death. Obviously Cheney will last about ten minutes before his tenth heart attack finally delivers the knock-out punch. So it will be Nancy Pelosi on the morning of January 20, 2009. Since you didn’t ask me who will be president the rest of that day, I’ll stop before making some wild, outrageous prediction.
That’s all for this special edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap. Join us next time when we discuss the latest on the Bowl Championship Series, the NFL playoffs, and the NASCAR Nextel Cup!