Rocksmith Review

From the beginning of the music-based video games (Rockband, Guitar Hero et al) I’ve wanted a game like Rocksmith.  It always seemed to me that if you were going to spend time learning how to “play” songs by following the prompting of a video game, that you should actually gain some musical skills in the process.  The toy guitars don’t feel or play anything like real guitars and chicks are noticeably less impressed by button mashing than some sweet licks on a real six string.  I already owned an actual, playable (albeit cheap), electric guitar, so I didn’t see any reason to fork over money for a digital air guitar kit.

Then I saw a TV commercial for Rocksmith.  FINALLY! I could play video games and practice my guitar at the same time!  I was still skeptical, so I checked out some of the early reviews, which were somewhat mixed.  There seemed to be enough positive comments to give it a shot.  Plus, I wanted to believe so badly that the game I always wanted had now arrived.

I’ve had it for awhile now and put a lot of hours into it, so I figured I’d share my thoughts.

First, a note about me as a guitar player:  I’ve played guitar for many years, but after the first couple, I haven’t been very dedicated to practicing.  I’m very mediocre.  Since I generally lack the patience to sit and work through new, challenging songs, my interaction with my instrument usually involves playing a bunch of stuff that I learned a long time ago, or bashing out some simple rhythm parts to rock songs easily learned by ear (two words: “power chords”). I don’t practice scales, and I don’t play lead outside of a few very simple solos. The comments in the early reviews that sold me on the game were the ones that said it motivated them to practice.  That’s really what I needed.

That has actually worked out beautifully.  I’ve probably put more hours into my guitar since buying Rocksmith than I did in the last couple of years combined leading up to it. Not only am I playing more, but I’m actually practicing.  I am repeating sections over and over and mastering parts that were initially beyond my level.

It isn’t all good though.  There are some EXTREMELY annoying aspects to the game that damage it as a learning tool.  The first awkward part is the delivery of the notes.  It’s pretty similar to Rockband or Guitar Hero I suppose, but that doesn’t do much for me, the guitar player.  Guitar tablature is a pretty standard format that everyone understands, it would have been great if they would have incorporated that.  I can see how they’re trying to make it accessible to the music gamers, which is probably a bigger crowd than guitar players who want to control video games with their real guitar, so I forgive them for that.  They format is still wonky though.  It displays the fretboard as though you’re staring through the transparent neck of your guitar.  Again, I guess this might help someone who’s never picked up an actual guitar, but for me, having the low notes displayed at the top was confusing and weird.  Thankfully, I’m allowed to invert the display so that I can have the low strings at the bottom and the high strings at the top.  Things are still weird, but more tolerably so.  I think the biggest, least excusable hurdle is using blocks for each note as the float down to the fretboard.  There are MANY times where I struggle to see which frets it’s telling me to play on.  They should really make the note markers include the numbers to make it more readable.  I’ve been thwarted by guitar parts well within my playing ability, simply because I struggled to tell what the game was telling me to play.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and go back to playing by ear.

The biggest problem, and I am praying to Jimi Hendrix that the developers note this and do something about it, is the way they handle difficulty.  You cannot set it yourself.  This means that the game will frequently force you to play a part many times over until it will actually reveal all of the notes to you.  I don’t want to practice the incomplete version of of riff over and over.  I want to practice the full, actual riff.  If it’s challenging, I’d like to practice it like any actual musician practices a challenging piece, by playing it at a slower tempo and building up to full speed.  There are a couple of practice modes which are based on altering the speed, but they are TERRIBLE.  The first, “Free Speed” means that it plays at full speed until it detects a missed note.  It then awkwardly crashes to a dead stop, killing any sense of timing and waits for you to hit the correct note before moving on.  Hendrix help you if that happens in the middle of a slide or a bend.  That’s painful.  It’s an extremely non musical way to practice. The other timing mode approximates what I want, but ultimately screws it up.  The mode is made to have you play through the section at increasing tempos until you complete it at full speed…  That sounds good, right?  Nah, in order to set the speed, you don’t get to dial in a percentage or set a metronome.  You have to play through it in the previously mentioned “Free Speed” mode.  As you mess up, screech to a halt, and repeat a few times over, it calculates your starting speed.  Even as a stumble brutally through a tough solo, it never puts my starting speed below 90%.  Also, if you succeed one time, it automatically speeds up!  NOT HELPFUL!  I want to slow it down SIGNIFICANTLY slower.  I want ALL of the notes displayed, and I want to nail the section at least a few times before I start ramping the speed up.  There are many parts that I’ve struggled to get past, and I am completely convinced that if the game itself weren’t such an obstacle, I would’ve mastered them much faster.

So, what’s good about it:

- Getting points, achievements, and unlocking things for playing my guitar encourages me to play my guitar.  That might just be a big stupid character flaw on my part, but it works for me.  I’ve been so motivated, that I even went and bought a new Les Paul Studio to play with.  It’s beautiful and fun and I’ve been playing the heck out of it.

- Variety.  My listening tastes are mostly centered on the harder end of the rock spectrum. My normal playing repertoire is an even more limited subset of that. Rocksmith contains a bunch of songs that I wouldn’t normally listen to and certainly wouldn’t have spent the time to learn.  Rather than being bummed that it’s not all of my favorites, I’ve enjoyed the fact that it’s gotten me to play different styles.

- DLC. The included songs make for a decent starting collection.  Adding Megadeth, Boston, Deep Purple, and the free holiday tunes made it even more fun.

- The automatic difficulty thing is VERY annoying when you’re towards the end stages of mastering a song and you’re trying to figure out the tricky part.  Prior to that, the game actually makes it pretty easy to dive right in. I was unlocking things, leveling up, jamming on tons of songs and got totally addicted before the flaws started slapping me in the head.

- I’ve read complaints about lag, but I haven’t had any issues with that. My xbox 360 is connected to a monitor via SVGA and my stereo’s RCA input.

What’s bad:

- SHOW ME ALL OF THE NOTES!  I don’t want to practice every other note of the song and have to unlock the rest by playing it over and over.

- SLOW DOWN! Don’t make me play the stupid free speed section and then dictate to me how slow I need it.  Let me set a tempo and move it up when I’ve nailed it.

- Confusing concepts of difficulty.  In some songs, leveling a section up reveals slides, hammer ons, pull offs, power chords etc that aren’t actually harder to play than the lower level version.  Sometimes the slide or hammer on is a more natural, comfortable way to play it (especially when you’re hearing it in the music the whole time).  I’ve leveled up many sections and thought “This didn’t just get harder, it actually makes more sense, feels more appropriate.  Why did the game deny me this?”  This wouldn’t matter if the first problem didn’t exist, but it still seems like it’s own quirk to me.

Overall:

I’m rooting for this game.  I really am.  I hope people buy it and I hope they make another one.  I hope that round 2 cleans up a lot of mistakes that they made in the first attempt.  It’s in some ways awesome, and it feels close to great, but it’s also brutally frustrating sometimes.  I’m finally here, holding my guitar, willing to play the same difficult sequence over and over again (that’s a big breakthrough for me) and I’m mad that once here, Rocksmith is putting these strange obstacles in the way. If you have a guitar and you don’t show it enough love, consider buying the game.  It’s been amazing at getting me to put the in time and practice.  If you have a guitar and you’re very good, or have solid practice habits, avoid it.  It will only annoy you.


Quitters Never Win

ASU lost to Oregon last night, as expected. They were competitive as they usually are, but couldn’t avoid their commitment to self harm. The refs weren’t particularly friendly, but the Sun Devils earned enough dumb penalties to take themselves out of the game. The worst part of the evening was how they seemed to totally give up at the end of the game. Down by two touchdowns with only 8 minutes remaining in the game, Erickson decided to punt the ball away rather than go for it on 4th and 2. He can’t be unaware of what happened to the coach before him (did this: http://articles.latimes.com/2006/oct/15/sports/sp-uscrep15, and was eventually fired).  Even when ASU finally got the ball back (now with 4 minutes left), they didn’t play with any urgency.  Had they scored quickly, there would’ve been a chance to recover an onside kick and try to tie the game.  Instead, they slowly moved up to the line and let the clock tick off.  The interception which sealed the game should have been caught for a touchdown, but the Sun Devils appeared to be resigned to defeat before that anyway.  That was very disappointing.


Arizona State Tritons

Dear Nike and Lisa Love,

I am not a fan of the new logo and uniforms.  ASU is behind a lot of schools when it comes to traditions as it is.  I am very disappointed that you would trash our school colors and logo in a disgusting attempt to move some more merchandise.   I found the videos hyping the change to be offensive as well.  The message of “We’re changing, deal with it, you’re just whining because you can’t handle change” didn’t help me feel all warm and fuzzy about the new Nike State University designs.  I’m sure there are people on Eugene who think that football jerseys with tread plates on them are super cool, but the rest of the country thinks they’re a joke.  I’m not happy about my favorite team moving into the same category.

The thing is, I can handle change.  In fact, I could even get behind the addition of black to the jerseys if they weren’t so stupid.  Being Freaky Metal Kid, my closet is full of black shirts.  I’d love to have some Sun Devil gear in black, but this new stuff is no longer recognizable as Sun Devil gear.  ASU colors are Maroon and Gold.  That’s the name of the fight song.  The lyrics of “Maroon and Gold” include a line “Fight for the old Maroon (and Gold!).”  The black jerseys are noticeably lacking in Maroon.  Color-wise they look like Iowa Hawkeye or maybe Missouri Tigers jerseys.

Who are those guys?  Why did Sparky defect to Iowa?

They could have been ok.  In fact, you got one right:

ASU volleyball players always look nice

The volleyball jersey has maroon and gold on it!  Softball looks fine too, although it doesn’t seem like a departure from ASU jerseys I’ve seen before.  If the black basketball and football jerseys correctly used maroon numbers with the gold trim, then everything would be fine.  It would still be possible to recognize them as Sun Devil colors.

Sparky is and will always be the correct logo

After the colors, there’s of course the Sparky problem.  Sparky, the Sun Devil, is a unique and easily identifiable image.  Anyone who watches college sports can see Sparky and know that he represents the Arizona State University Sun Devils.  There are no others like him.  There are some other teams of devils out there, but none that would be confused with Sparky’s Sun Devils.  The pitchfork is not nearly so recognizable.  First off, ASU’s nickname isn’t the Pitchforks/Tridents.  When someone sees this logo, an obvious first thought is “Who are the forks?”  Secondly, there IS competition in this area.  Sun Devils and Blue Devils are different enough, but I don’t like how much this new logo reminds me of the UCSD Triton logo:

ASU TritonsGo Devils!?  Wait, wrong team

I think the new ASU version is actually a little worse because of that mysterious stuff on the handle.  Are those flames?  Seriously, what the heck? Again, I can accept change.  I understand that ASU has used multiple logos on the helmets over the years.  The idea of putting a pitchfork on there rather than Sparky actually makes sense to me.  The players are Sun Devils, so you decorate Sun Devils with pitchforks rather than images of other Sun Devils.  Sure, that makes enough sense.  Sparky doesn’t have to be the primary logo on the helmet.  He does need to be the logo everywhere else though.  Arizona State Sun Devils should be represented by a Sun Devil logo, not a flaming fork.
It is my hope that this will all go away.  It did once before.  Remember this accident?

That goofy disaster of a uniform lasted one season before our players went back to dressing respectably.  I really hope the same thing happens again.

Sincerely,

a fan of Sparky

 


Thank You Badger Fans

I’m still in Wisconsin at the moment, hanging out at my friend’s place where I’ve been staying.  I came out here mostly to see my beloved Arizona State Sun Devils football team play against the Wisconsin Badgers on Saturday.  The game was a close 20-19 loss which was on one hand heartbreaking but on the other encouraging.  A one point loss against the #11 team in the country, on the road, is not a bad showing for a team picked to finish 9th in the Pac 10.  ASU struggled to run the ball against NAU, so going in, this game was very scary.  Fortunately, the Devils looked faster than the Badgers and used that to stay in the game the whole way.  Threet looked pretty solid and that gave me hope that the team might not be as hopeless as I originally thought.

More than a recap of the game, which you can get anywhere, I wanted to mention how impressed I was with Camp Randall Stadium and the fans it contained.  My friends and I showed up to the game, wearing our best Sun Devil gear, shouting and cheering for ASU.  There were no confrontational responses.  Nobody shouted at us, harassed us, or threw things at us.  We were frequently welcomed with polite greetings and handshakes by Badger fans who generally said something like “Welcome to Wisconsin, I hope you enjoy the game.”  It’s sad, but that is not at all the greeting that I see at Sun Devil Stadium where people are more frequently rude and vulgar.  Since that’s where I’ve experienced most of my live college football, I expected a hostile response as I showed up to Camp Randall in the opposing team’s colors.  I was very impressed when I found that I was completely wrong.

Following the initial pleasant entrance, the fans continued to demonstrate how much better they are at being fans for the rest of the game.  The stadium was full.  It was nearly solid red (unattractive to me, but impressive).  The Wisconsin students sang, clapped, and danced with fantastic enthusiasm.  Several amusing variations of the wave went around the stadium.  The upper deck shook noticeably when House of Pain’s “Jump Around” was played over the PA and the entire building did exactly what the song suggested.  Late in the game, when Sun Devil Stadium  bleeds “fans” regardless of score, Camp Randall was still full.  During the game, a part of Wisconsin’s band came up into the ASU section.  They were initially greeted with boo’s, until Sun Devil fans figured out they were playing “Maroon and Gold.”  That’s very cool.

After the game we stuck around for the 5th Quarter.  It featured an extra twenty minutes of the band playing and dancing on the field and fans singing and dancing in the stands.  They again played ASU’s fight song.  I was reminded on several occasions that this post-game party happens after every game whether the Badgers win or lose.  It was very fun, and I’m totally jealous. When we made our way out of the stadium and began walking down the road towards State Street we ended up walking parallel to the marching band.  The band was still playing and dancing as they marched with police escort down the road.  It was entertaining the whole way.

When all was said and done, it was the most fun I think I could ever have during and after an ASU loss.  Wisconsin fans made me feel welcome at their big football themed party and I really hope that they are treated appropriately when they come to Tempe.

Thanks Badgers,

Freaky Metal Kid


Prop 8 Unconstitutional!

Certainly there are appeals to follow and a nasty homophobic backlash on the way, but at least for now the gay marriage ban in California has been rejected.  I have a lot of opinions about politics, and I feel very strongly about many of them, but I there are no issues which concern me more than those regarding basic human rights.  I feel more strongly about this issue because I’m convinced that out of all the issues being debated in our society, it is the least balanced argument.  There are different sides to most issues, and usually both sides bring some logical support for their view. I oppose the wars our country is engaged in, but I concede that decisions are made based on information that I don’t have.  I can piece together what I’ve got and draw conclusions from that, but I’ll admit there’s a possibility that I’ve missed something.  Likewise, there are smart people who’ve studied economics who have conflicting ideas about fiscal policies.  Again, I have my opinions, but I can’t say that they are fixed and absolute.  I could be wrong.  Like anyone else, I don’t think that I’m wrong, so I vote accordingly.  One issue that I’ve actually turned around on is gun control.  I’m still not a fan of firearms, but my view of the second amendment isn’t nearly as negative as it used to be.

On the gay marriage debate, I don’t see any reasonable case for restricting the rights of other people.  I don’t accept a possibility of being wrong in this case.  There’s treating people fairly and then there’s blatant discrimination.  That’s it.  Fairness == good.  Discrimination == bad.  Consenting adults of any gender, sex, race, creed, fan club, ethnicity or what have you should have the same options for entering into a partnership.  There’s another argument about the name of this partnership and whether the government should have anything to do with it at all, but that’s separate and distracting.  Marriage is a convenient term for it, so that’s what we go by.  Those who claim that they are “protecting marriage” or supporting “traditional marriage” work with fictional concepts regarding what they think marriage should be.  The history of marriage contains many more issues than the modern “traditional” view cares to account for which really defeats the whole “traditional” concept right from the start.

The other list of reasons to legislate inequality include:

- Gay relationships are unproductive, they can’t have kids. So?  Plenty of straight couples don’t have kids.  Not allowing them equal rights is not going to make them quit being gay and begin procreating.  Besides, there are plenty of kids who need to be adopted…

- The children!  What about the children!? Children of gay parents are not worse off than the children of straight parents.  Delusional religious people would have you convinced that this is true, but they have no evidence for this.  In fact, a recent study showed that kids with two mommies were actually more well adjusted than kids from the “sacred” or “traditional” families.  Gay parents won’t make kids gay either, straight parents make the gay kids, see the previous argument.

- God said it’s bad. Really any other arguments are desperate grabs to cover up for this one.  Even though they argue (falsely) that America is a Christian nation, and was founded as such, many understand that this doesn’t constitute a rational argument.  Plenty of other sins are legal and will not see any significant legal strife.  Businesses are open on Sundays, straight people can get divorced, gambling is legal and of course the United States already attempted and failed to ban booze.  Since “God said it’s bad” doesn’t work for those, it won’t work here either.

- It’s yucky and gross! Any doubts they have about God are covered by this.  You know what’s yucky and gross?  Church.  Church : Freaky Metal Kid :: Gay Bar : Protect Marriage Assholes.  I don’t wanna be in church, so I don’t go.  I don’t like religious people telling me their ghost stories, so I don’t hang out with them.  If you don’t want to make out with another dude, don’t do it.  If you don’t like hot girl on girl action, stay off the internet.

I’m tired from work and losing my train of thought, so I’ll end with: don’t be a dick to people just because they’re different from you.  If you don’t like them, leave them alone to do their thing and you can go do yours and we’ll all be happy.  It’s not that fucking complicated.


The Last Emperor is Dethroned

I was unable to watch the Strikeforce event live last night, but I was delighted to see the results.  Fedor Emelianenko, one of the most over hyped fighters of all time finally lost a fight.  Fabricio Werdum caught him with a combination of a triangle choke and an arm bar.  As a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fan I always like to see BJJ used successfully.

The important thing though is that Fedor, the unbeatable Russian fighting robot,  lost to a guy who was dropped by the UFC.  Fedor had only one loss on his record, which everyone discounted because it was stopped due to a cut and it was also avenged in the rematch.  On the other hand, most of his wins did not come against top level fighters.  It was thought for some time that the guys fighting for the PRIDE organization in Japan were far superior to the heavyweights in the UFC.  For a time, that may have been true, but the new crop of heavyweights in the UFC have shown that the PRIDE fighters are not on top anymore.  Fedor’s most notable wins in PRIDE were against Mirko Cro Cop and Antonio Rodrigo “Minotauro” Nogueira.  Cro Cop was expected to come in and clean up the UFC heavyweight division, but has instead been mostly an embarrassment.  He’s lost multiple fights and even his wins were unimpressive.  Nogueira has faired better, but was stopped by Frank Mir and Cain Valasquez despite having never been never lost by TKO in PRIDE.  While Fedor’s old resume highlights were getting tarnished in the UFC, he stayed outside fighting UFC rejects.

Somehow people still saw his nearly perfect record and decided he was unbeatable.  This is a ridiculous leap to make, both because of his habit of ducking top competition and because there are too many facets or as some say “too many ways to lose” in MMA.  Fedor actually seems like a nice guy and he is a good fighter, but I’m inclined to root against anyone labeled as “invincible.”  Guys who can’t lose have lost too many times in MMA.  Other fans and “experts” will scoff at the idea of certain fighters losing, and anyone who suggests a vulnerability is derided as not understanding the sport.  B.J. Penn has been hailed as one of the top pound for pound fighters in the world.  People (including B.J. himself) seemed to think that there were no lightweights who could really compete with him.  It didn’t take that long before Frankie Edgar came in and boxed his way to B.J.’s belt.  Lyoto Machida was untouchable and had never lost around.  He was supposed to hold the light heavyweight belt for years.  Almost immediately Shogun took it from him.  GSP has already been clobbered by Matt Serra.

I hope that with the fall of “The Last Emperor” we can see him as “the last unbeatable fighter.”  Nobody is unbeatable and to call anyone unbeatable is stupid.  Anderson Silva looks pretty tough now, but it isn’t hard to imagine someone beating him with wrestling and taking his belt.  If he continues to fight he will lose.  GSP will lose.  Brock Lesnar will lose.

–Blarg!


Pac-11

So apparently the Pac 10 is adding Colorado and that’s it. I guess that’s less extreme than turning into the Pac 16. I do think it’s funny that the Big Ten (11) now has 12 teams and the Big 12 now has 10 teams. Do they trade names? Do they keep the same old names for maximum confusion? Are they working on new names? Should the old Big Ten maintain tradition by changing their name to the Big Eleven and find a way to work a ’12′ into the logo? I’m not confident that the conference apocalypse is shelved for good, so maybe they’ll just all pile into two super conferences, the Nike Conference and the Adidas Conference or something like that.

– Blarg!


NCAA Sports are gross

Recent talk about Pac 10 conference expansion has made me evaluate my interest in college sports.  Once I started attending ASU I became attached to Sun Devil athletics and I’ve been much more of a college sports fan than a professional sports fan.  I like the pageantry, the marching bands, the mascots, the cheerleaders, the rivalries, the traditions, storming the field, rushing the court, throwing tortillas, singing fight songs, the frantic unpredictable action of the Men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament, the huge stadiums packed for football games and the finality of seniors who know they won’t be competing professionally giving everything they have because they love their sport.

My feelings towards college sports have been taking a beating lately.  There have always been lingering issues that I’ve been able to mostly look past.  It’s always been messed up that NCAA football and basketball are huge money generating activities based on the efforts of kids who are forbidden from seeing any of that profit.  It’s a bad deal for a lot of them, but some have been especially screwed when they were declared ineligible to play due to really asinine interpretations of the rules.  I’ve heard enough about “student athletes” being an oxymoron or a myth.  The highest paid people at these “institutions of higher learning” are not top shelf researchers or the premier educators, but football coaches.  That seems off.  I know there are separate budgets and sports draw in their own donations, but it was strange to see ASU add new, fancy, multimillion dollar scoreboards to Sun Devil Stadium and Wells Fargo Arena when at the same time they had to eliminate programs, lay off instructors, and let other support staff go.  All that said, I’ve put all of that aside because of the things listed in the top paragraph.  I’ve had so much fun as a fan that I rationalized my way around the less appealing aspects.

Now the bullshit outside of the games is starting to spill too far into the games themselves that it’s getting harder to ignore.  I’ll start by mentioning the BCS.  I won’t say much about the BCS because that’s been covered enough.  It’s not fair.  Polls are not fair.  Nobody ever says about their sport, “I like watching teams compete directly with rules to objectively determine the winner, but it’d be better if they just had some judges to pick who is the best, like in figure skating.  Hell, they could probably judge teams that haven’t even played each other!”  Along with not really determining the best team each season, the football post season gets worse every year as they continue to add bowl games that nobody needs to see.  Yes, now every kid gets to play in a bowl game, but playing in a bowl game doesn’t mean anything anymore.  It only counts to make the BCS bowl games, and if the system doesn’t like you (Boise State, Utah…), you’re not invited no matter what you do.  At least the regular season is still really fun right?  Well, not as much.  They’re trying to ban that.  The really touchy “celebration” penalties were bad enough the past couple of seasons.  Washington got totally hosed against USC because Locker had the audacity to flip the football over his shoulder when he scored a late touchdown.  Apparently they’re ramping it up further this season so that if a player appears too happy on his way into the endzone, they can actually take his touchdown away.

Still, up through this much, I still feel like a fan.  I’m still excited for the next season…  And then there’s the talk about expanding the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  In my mind, the tournament, composed of 64 teams is perfection.  It’s my favorite event in sports.  Yeah, they added the 65th team, which was confusing and stupid, but not a huge deal.  A few 15 seeds have won games (including one against #2 Arizona, haha suck it Wildcats!), but no 16 seeds have.  To me that means they have exactly the right number.  They’re bringing in a few more teams than have a shot to win any games.  Any teams that haven’t made a convincing case to be one of the 64 best, don’t belong anyway.  We can say with certainty that the best teams (and them some) get invited.  They want to ruin the perfection because the NCAA doesn’t give a shit about kids or about sports.  They want to squeeze more money out of it.  I have always said college football needed to be more like college basketball when it comes to the post season, but instead it’s going the other way.  To me the NCAA is saying “Fuck sports, give us more money.”  With both of my favorite sports having their post seasons corrupted into nonsense, I’m feeling kinda down about it.

Then comes the conference expansion talk.  Apparently the Pac 10 wants to add a whole bunch of teams.  This is clearly part of a systematic plan to ruin sports for me.  They’re going down the list.  “Ruin the championship competitions?  Check.  Get rid of actual cheerleaders (ASU’s fault)? Check.  Get rid of the traditions?  Check.”  Throwing tortillas got banned already, they’ve tried to stop students from rushing the field before, and our stadium doesn’t fill up very well these days.  Looking back up at my list, it seems like I can cross a bunch of things off while the case against being a fan continues to grow.  I don’t see any legitimate reason for the formation of a super conference.  To me it’s the same money grabbing BS as the rest of it.

As someone who has spent a lot of time and money being a sports fan, it really bums me out to think that maybe its time to just walk away from it.  Wouldn’t I be better off doing something productive rather than watching other people physically exert themselves?  Isn’t it silly to keep spending money to watch “amateur” athletics?  As a Green person, how stupid is the whole production from a sustainability perspective?

It was a lot of fun and I don’t really want to be done, but I feel like I might be getting close.

– Blarg!


Incipiat Turba Wrap Wrap

Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap



Wrap Wrap Rap


This is the rap of the wrap of the wrap

We wrapped all this crap
Now we rap all this wrap
It’s been awhile since we last changed the site

So tonight we will fight with our might
Not to sound trite
But to create with our hate

Things that are great
Although it comes late
And we’ve made you wait
It’s better says Heather
To be late than never
So here comes the recap
The re-wrap that we rap
Bringin’ the knee-slap, the laughter, the hand clap

So crank up your font size, cuz this is the Wrap Wrap

Incipiat Turba gets updated very infrequently and the last update was several months ago. What is the reason for the lack of updates?


Freaky Metal Kid
Heathen and I were abducted by Nigerians in a money laundering deal gone wrong. We were hanging out and Heathen freaked out all of a sudden.

“They found me! I don’t know how but they found me!”

“Who?” I asked her.

“The Nigerians!” she yelled.

We got thrown into a van and then we found ourselves locked in a dark room somewhere. We heard the Nigerian guys arguing outside and then some gunshots. After a period of silence, Heathen and I broke down the door and discovered that the Nigerians had killed each other. Then, we got Slurpees and headed home. That took at least a few hours. The rest of the time we’ve spent playing with Lego.


The Agitator
Incipiat Turba lacks the competitive fire that got us to the top all those years ago. You can’t blame us for falling off a bit after declaring victory over the universe; where are we supposed to go from there? By definition, the universe is everything. And you can’t fault us for declaring victory when we did – the universe was down for the count. Only recently have there been rumors about the universe getting back into shape and making noise about a potential comeback, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope for Incipiat Turba vs. the Universe II. At best, we may be able to look forward to seeing Incipiat Turba in action during its rare exhibition matches.


Looking back on the previous Wraps, who do you feel did a better job analyzing the sports and political issues covered?

I obviously out-wrapped The Agitator. He admitted to not having a Mayan calendar available when he was trying to make predictions and he also admitted to not being able to name any of the players on the Lakers besides Kobe (I can’t either, but I’ll never admit that to our readers). The Agitator claimed that the Super Bowl would air without commercial interruption, whereas I predicted that the Colts would be champions. So what if I got Pacal Votan’s words a little mixed up and called it a year too soon? I still called it.

FMK is right, for once. He did a much better job than I did. Was I even trying? It was so long ago I can’t remember what I was thinking. I hope I wasn’t giving it my usual 110%, but even if it was only 105%, it’s still an embarrassment. Hopefully I can redeem myself when we do our next wrap. I just hope my retirement community will still be letting me use the internet when we get around to it.

Give us your top 7 plays of the Wraps.


5) Stuart Scott asks, “Is this how you go to work?”




Yeah, Stu, that’s how we dress to go to work. We’re just nutty.

4) The Agitator suggested a trade between Sacramento and Philadelphia where Peja is exchanged for T.O. This didn’t go through, but let’s look at what did happen. Artest came to Sacramento, seemed decent for half of a season and then turned into the same asshole he’d been before. He got so bored being in Sacramento, that he had to take up domestic violence for entertainment. T.O. accepted a trade to Dallas where he led the league in dropped passes, probably because Tony Romo threw them in such an un-American, cheeseburger hating way. Would things have been any worse if The Agitator’s idea came to fruition? I don’t think so. The cross-league trade would have been a big story for both leagues, so clearly the owners need to start thinking outside the box like The Agitator.

3) Freaky Metal Kid picks the Colts to win the Super Bowl. Any bum can flip a coin and get the winner of the Super Bowl which is about to be played and both teams have been determined. I predicted that Peyton Manning would soon hoist the Lombardi trophy without even knowing the results of the next draft, free-agency signing period, preseason, regular season, and play-offs. I’m not even a total Colts homer. I’m just that good at making picks.

2) Since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, I have another graphical entry. Just look at this goofy bastard and try not to laugh:

Also, I assume that saying means a thousand words of someone with an average vocabulary. Since I’m damn near illiterate, I assume that the exchange rate is more like two or three million words.

1) As mentioned in the previous clip, actual written jokes are nearly impossible for a lazy cretin like myself to crank out, so this spot goes to my awesome wordplay in the last wrap:

Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal that really caught on with the public?

Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip

Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House.

FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.

I can only think of two:

Number 1.
Number 2.

I mean, how can you pick favorites from all that great stuff? I’d have trouble even if I wanted to take the time to try!


Looking back on the previous Wraps, are there any ideas that in hindsight don’t hold up? What was the worst part of the Wraps?
I don’t recall saying anything that wasn’t spot on. I do think I should have held back some information though. Doc says that people aren’t supposed to know too much about the future.
By far the worst part of the Wraps has been their overwhelming success. They”ve created such a high standard for Incipiat Turba content that nothing else can possibly compare. It’s made us afraid of making crappy updates about random things that have no hope of comparing to the Wraps. I can only assume that’s why FMK is completely phoning this one in, to bring the ridiculously high standard down to a more attainable level.



Time for “Buy or Sell.” FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether people should buy imaginary stock in a random statement. I think buying means you’re supportive of the statement and selling means you disagree. Basically it’s “Fact or Fiction,” but with new words to make it sound like a fun new concept.

Buy or Sell: Incipiat Turba updating again before June

I’m going to buy. It’s a high risk, high reward type deal. There’s obviously a very good chance that the site will not be updated again until 2012, but I think this Wrap Wrap and the Wrap Wrap Rap will provide enough inspiration to get the Incipiat Turba update stock soaring. Did I do this right?
I’ll buy this. Something will undoubtedly happen during the NBA playoffs that compels FMK to post some kind of update, kind of like his NBA playoffs blog last year.


Buy or Sell: New Wrap content bringing in more visitors than “chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie”

I have to sell this one. Since the site was re-organized with the CMS, the previously dominant Journey and Larry Wilcox pages have fallen right off of the search string map. The Lost and Found is driving our hits and chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is leading the pack. We used to top the search engine lists for suicide related strings and we were once the top Larry Wilcox page, but it looks like Incipiat Turba is now gunning for the top chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie spot.
Not a chance. Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie is a classic piece of comedy from one of the greatest shows of the late 1990s. It will always bring in more hits than anything else, unless we start putting up Third Rock from the Sun quotes. I can’t remember any off the top of my head, so I’m definitely selling this. Although now we’ll get hits for “Third Rock from the Sun quotes.” Hmm, this is a tough one.


Buy or Sell: Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator are so retarded that there will eventually be a Wrap Wrap Wrap with a Wrap Wrap Wrap Rap.
I’m going to sell this. I fully believe that they are that retarded. In fact, I know they are. They are too lazy to really put that laziness to use though. This stock will be a loser because any idea that ever occurs to Incipiat Turba eventually fades into nothingness, no matter how beautifully retarded it is.
I’m selling this as well. This whole Wrap Wrap concept is already pushing the limits of our mental capacities. I just don’t think we’re capable of operating on that many levels, when operating on one level is such a challenge. It would be like trying to run up two or three flights of stairs when you’re having trouble just walking around on the ground floor.


The next wrap will feature an “Over/Under” segment.
I’m buying this. The only real question here is “Will The Agitator or Freaky Metal Kid overcome laziness at least one more time in the future to create another wrap?” Admittedly, that’s not something to bank on, but I’m optimistic. In fact, I’d say the Over/Under of Over/Under questions in future wraps will be over 0. Did I do that right? I’m not sure what it would mean if I said under 0, so it has to be right. Right?
I’d buy this twice if I were allowed to. Am I allowed to?

That’s all for this special edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap Wrap. Join us next time when we discuss the latest on the NCAA Tournament, spring training, the NBA Finals, and the first half of the 2008 NFL season.


Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap: Midterm Elections



Welcome to another edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap, where Incipiat Turba’s
sports analysts break down the top sports stories from the world of sports.
This time around, we’ll be deviating from our pattern of focusing entirely on sports. Instead, we’ll cover the recent midterm elections, in which
Democrats took over the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate, among
a number of other interesting developments. As always, we’ll have our expert
analysts Freaky Metal Kid and The Agitator make sense of it
all by answering the tough questions . . .

In a development everyone predicted but no one really believed could happen, the
Democrats have retaken control of the House of Representatives for the first
time since 1994. How badly did the Democrats need this win?

Very badly. Bush has put in a Grossman-like performance with a whole bunch of turnovers. A loss would have made the Democrats the political equivalent of the Arizona Cardinals. Howard Dean screaming “They are who we thought they were!” about the GOP would be even funnier than his previous meltdown, but his “Booya!” on The Daily Show was funny enough and it came without the aftertaste of crushing depression and hopelessness.

The Democrats absolutely had to come out and prove something this time around. They didn’t show that they have heart, guts, or a spine, but they did prove that this is still a two-party system. It’s cliché, but this was a good day for democracy, not necessarily because the people will have their voices heard – that remains to be seen – but because without competitive elections between at least two real political parties, the U.S. would literally fail to meet the basic requirements for being considered a democratic country. Let’s just say this was a big day for Democrats and an even bigger one for America’s official status as a democracy.


Some of the voters’ top concerns in this campaign were Iraq, terrorism, and
corruption. Which one was decisive in this campaign?

It was obviously terrorism. The terrorists wanted our government full of liberal wimps who wouldn’t put up a fight. Clearly the terrorists have made their worst strike yet and manipulated the election. The frightening part is how nobody noticed. Minnesota even put a Muslim in office! I don’t want to make myself a target, so I’ll just leave it at that.

That’s a trick question; it’s really only one concern. Iraq is central to the war on terrorism, we all know that. And Islamic terrorism is God’s vengeance for the unprecedented level of corruption in American society. But I don’t know what we did to deserve a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress. God must be fucking pissed about Britney Spears’ divorce.

Out of all the recent Republican scandals, why was it the Mark Foley scandal
that really caught on with the public?

Sex sells. Even creepy, underage, gay, cyber sex apparently. People should have seen this coming though, he was constantly asking everyone to stop by his place and play with his deputy whip.
The Foley scandal was big because the Republicans sold it so well. Just a great play when they absolutely needed it. It’s tough to execute the “smaller scandal to distract from the bigger scandal,” or, as most political parties call it, “Red Left, 39 Fly,” but when it works, it works. No one ever sees it coming, and when the smaller scandal is anything related to sex, it’s almost impossible to defend against. Sure, they went on to lose the election, but this play was instrumental in limiting the Republicans’ losses.

Barring a miracle for Republican incumbent George Allen in Virginia, Democrats
will likely take control of the Senate on the strength of three key “red state”
wins, in Virginia, Missouri, and Montana. How surprising is this result?
It wasn’t really surprising at all. Anyone with a Mayan calendar saw this coming. Pacal Votan called it back in the 7th century, so nobody should act too shocked.
Well, I didn’t get a 2006 Mayan desk calendar for Christmas last year, so I’m quite a bit more shocked than FMK. After 2004, people were starting to wonder if there were any Democrats left in those states to run for office, let alone vote. And the jury’s still out on Virginia, where Webb is a former Republican. It only proves that Virginia Republicans are not entirely comfortable with George Allen’s brand of out-and-out racial-slur racism. They might prefer Bob Corker’s more subtle “black men can’t be trusted around white women” kind.


Democratic candidates Jim Webb and Claire McCaskill took the unusual step on
election night of declaring victory before their opponents conceded. Does this
signal a change in campaign tactics by the Democrats, who, with Al Gore in 2000
and John Kerry in 2004, made the mistake of conceding before the results were
even in?
Following embarrassing defeats in recent elections the Democrats turned to a motivational speaker to pump them up for this election. He convinced them of the power of positive thinking and they tried to visualize their success in the election. For the first time in years, they didn’t schedule “pity parties” for failed candidates to eat rocky road ice cream and bitch about how mean their opponent had been and how unfair everything was. This time they scheduled victory celebrations before any votes were cast to will themselves to victory. Between now and the 2008 election, each of them will read at least one piece of inspiring literature every day.
The Democrats weren’t actually saying, “We won, don’t bother counting all the votes.” They were really saying, “Finally, after six years, it’s good just to feel like winners.” And even if they had gone on to lose, it must have still felt good to go out and confidently say they had won.


Taking over the House and the Senate, Democrats appear to be in better shape
than they’ve been in years. How long can they hold onto these gains?
I hesitate to consult my Mayan calendar again because I don’t really want to know if it’s going to be bad news. It’s good that the Democrats are in better shape, but holding on isn’t all that important. Apparently the Presidential Fitness people don’t require the bent-arm hang anymore anyway. I guess you’re supposed to log physical activities and then you can achieve different levels like gold or silver. It was unclear how many points you needed to actually become president though. Hopefully Obama and Clinton know all the details.
Don’t let the victory fool you, they are perfectly capable of coughing this one up before the 2008 election. Sure, you’d think they could hold it until then, but as everyone keeps saying, these are not your Daddy’s Democrats. Your Daddy’s Democrats held onto the House for decades. With these Democrats the majority might evaporate before they’re even sworn in. A lot can happen in a month and a half.


Just a day after the election, Donald Rumsfeld resigned as Secretary of
Defense, even though Bush spent the last month saying that would never happen,
no matter what the election results were. Is this it for the terrorists? Have they won already, or is this just one small victory on their way to converting all of America to Islam?
I already touched on that issue in an earlier comment. For now I’ll just say that Allah is the one true god and Muhammed was his prophet. Also, I think this is a quote from the Qur’an:

“Good riddance Rumsfeld, you fucking dick.”

Osama bin Laden is loving every minute of this, no two ways about it, but he’s not going to give up. He won’t be happy until Bush and Cheney are out of office too. In fact, don’t look for al Qaeda to let up until the secular liberals have completely taken over America. Only then will it conform to the ideal Muslim society.


Let\’s talk ballot initiatives. Voters this year in nearly every state faced a
dizzying array of ballot measures. Why has this become such a popular way of
getting legislation passed?
They make me feel like an important lawmaker man. I get to go and vote the illegal immigrants off the island and be like “Haha you didn’t win immunity, now you have no rights!” I’ll probably never be on a reality show for real, so pretending by voting in mean propositions to take rights away from others is as close as I’ll probably ever get to voting someone off of Survivor.
Just as the Progressives envisioned, the initiative process gives corporations and wealthy individuals a way to use their money to influence the political process more directly. Buying enough legislators for a majority on any given issue can be costly and confusing, especially with the maze of campaign finance laws we have these days. It’s much easier to do it with a ballot initiative. That’s what the Progressive Movement was all about, increasing the power of monied interests over government. I think they’d be proud of the results of their reforms.


Voters in Arizona made history by being the first to reject an initiative
banning gay marriage. How long before all heterosexual couples in America will
be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex?
That’s bullshit. Heterosexual couples in America will never be forced to separate and marry members of the same sex. Queers will start raising kids and then the kids will catch the gay and there will be homos everywhere. Family units will self destruct, and chaos will ensue. The chaos will only last so long because gays can’t procreate. The American population will plummet until we don’t have enough men at the border to stop the Mexicans from taking over. Of course they’ll end up catching the gay (and AIDS) too and the species will die out on December 21st, 2012.
I have to disagree with FMK here. Homosexuality is not a disease; it’s an intriguing lifestyle with a lot of obvious benefits. The only thing stopping everyone from going gay is that they know they’ll be discriminated against when it comes to marriage. Take away all the incentives for heterosexual marriage and pretty soon everyone will realize how awesome homosexuality is. FMK is right that the species will die out, but it will take a bit longer than six years. Maybe seven.


Voters in California made history by being the first state to mandate that all
convicted sex offenders wear GPS tracking devices. Does this mark the end of
all sexual crimes in California?
No. There will still be incidents of molestation when the Charlotte Bobcats play at Sacramento, Golden State, or Los Angeles.
Unfortunately, it only marks the beginning of the end. The law also bans sex offenders from living near parks or schools. But whoever wrote this law is hopelessly out of touch with society. Kids these days don’t go to school very often and they’re already taught to avoid parks because they’re crawling with child molesters. However, children can be found in a number of other places such as shopping malls, bowling alleys, and Chuck E. Cheese, none of which are covered by the law. Since they apparently can’t ban sex offenders from living in California, and systematic castration continues to be rejected by the courts, they’re going to have to take it one step further and put GPS tracking devices on the children as well. Then and only then will the children be truly safe. Because all sex crimes are committed by people who have previously been convicted of sex crimes.


Voters in Missouri narrowly passed an initiative to fund stem cell research,
thanks in no small part to the efforts of Michael J. Fox. How long until
Missouri’s crack researchers find a cure for Parkinson’s and MJF is working on
Back to the Future, Part IV?
They should film Back to the Future, Part IV now. They can make Marty have Parkinson’s. That scene where he suddenly couldn’t play the guitar at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance wasn’t because he was fading from existence, it was the onset of his symptoms. Similarly in the second film where his future self couldn’t play guitar, supposedly because of a car accident he got into because of Needles. It wasn’t the car accident which ruined his hand, it was the disease. Doc and Marty will go back to the future to retrieve the cure for Parkinson’s. If the cure isn’t found in real life before they finish filming, they can have a sad ending where Marty dies in a hoverboard accident. If they do cure it, they can just redo the ending like with Fever Pitch. In this happier ending they should travel through time to stop Harrison Ford and George Lucas from making Indiana Jones 4.
Before answering this question, FMK should have traveled back in time to before he was a moron. How does filming Back to the Future IV now benefit anyone? Stem cell researchers need the motivation of knowing that Michael J. Fox is off limits for the movie until he is cured.


Time for “Fact or Fiction.” FMK and The Agitator will tell us whether each of
the following statements is completely true or totally false, with no
consideration that the answer may lie somewhere between the two extremes.

Fact or Fiction: Republicans secretly wanted to lose this election so they
could blame Democrats when Iraq falls apart completely.

FACT. Republicans will actually campaign by blaming Democrats for failing to vote against the war which we shouldn’t have gotten into. “They’re gun hating hippies, they should have known not to support the war, it’s all their fault!”
FACT. Everyone says Republicans would have been crazy to do this, and I agree, it’s a crazy move and one hell of a risky strategy. But obviously they had to do something, and having the chance to blame the Democrats may pay off in the end. It’s tough to whine about Democrats taxing, spending, and undermining our security when no one can remember what it was actually like when they were in power. This will serve as a reminder to everyone who forgot, that Democrats can only be trusted with one thing: taking power for brief periods of time to prove that they can’t be trusted with power.


Fact or Fiction: Democrats will use their majorities wisely – conducting
oversight and forcing the Bush administration into more moderate positions -
without overreaching and alienating voters?

FICTION. Democrats are going to try a bunch of stupid shit, get vetoed and whine about Bush. Then, people will forget about the scandals from this year and remember how completely unlikable the Democrats are. Democrats will make several crucial bad decisions and we’ll have to go back to debating whether we could survive Canadian winters.
FICTION. But they won’t alienate the voters by overreaching, they’ll do it by underreaching. They’re going to be so paranoid that they’ll do something the voters may not like, that they’re going to end up doing nothing. They’ll make some noise about Bush being wrong, but don’t expect much in the way of serious oversight or affirmative policy positions from these Democrats. No, they aren’t that kind of Democrats.


Fact or Fiction: Nancy Pelosi is both a communist and a militant feminist, who
will outrage the country during her tenure as Speaker of the House.
FICTION. Most people think the Speaker of the House is connected to the Amplifier of the House and the Microphones of the House so the representatives can hear each other clearly and put on a good show for CSPAN.
FACT: Until now, no one had to worry about the Speaker of the House because it was always a man. Even the most recklessly conservative (Gingrich) or grossly incompetent (Hastert) man is more trustworthy than a woman, especially one who is a San Francisco Liberal. Look for Pelosi to bring a lot of new and overwhelmingly negative attention to the role of Speaker of the House. Did that sound too misogynistic?


Fact or Fiction: With a hostile Congress, George Bush will finally prove to be
the “uniter” he always claimed he would be.
FICTION. What he meant was he wanted to unite the conservatives controlling the Supreme Court and Congress with him in the White House. Unity has no room for Democrats.
FICTION, but only because this isn’t a hostile Congress, so he won’t have the chance to prove it. There are plenty of conservative and “moderate” Democrats who already agree with Bush on plenty of things. He won’t need to “unite,” he’ll just need to divide the Democratic Party.


Just a few final questions to wrap it up:

Now let’s look at the Superstars of this election. Take us through each of your
top three 2006 Midterm Election Prime Time Players?

My props have to go out to Janet Napolitano for being the first woman to win re-election as governor of Arizona. Beyond that, Janet strolled to an easy win as a Democrat in a red state. That’s good stuff. Bernard Sanders winning a Senate seat as a socialist was pretty impressive as well. That’s gotta be embarrassing for his opponent. It’s one thing to lose a mayoral race to a crackhead, but losing your Senate bid to a socialist is pretty rough. Harry Mitchell is still waiting for all of the ballots to be counted, but it looks like he’s given the boot to JD Hayworth who is a dick supreme. Atta boy Harry.
FMK likes to applaud the winners, and they did a great job, no doubt about it. But it takes two to do the Charleston (I think), and I want to salute the losers who put up a valiant effort and made this such an exciting election season. Number one, a scrappy kid out of Orange County named Tan Nguyen, who until about a month ago was looking to be another in a string of lackluster challengers for Loretta Sanchez’s seat in Congress. An immigrant himself, Nguyen sent out a letter to 14,000 registered Latino voters, implying that even legal immigrants would be sent to prison for attempting to vote. That’s almost Mark Foley-as-chairman-of-the-House-Caucus-on-Missing-and-Exploited-Children level hypocrisy. Of course, he still went on to lose by 13 points, but at least he got his name in the paper.

Number two, California Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides ran a great campaign. He’s got a bright, bright future. In fact he already has two jobs lined up, now that the election is over, impersonating Gray Davis. I don’t know who would hire a Gray Davis impersonator, but for some reason Democrats thought it would be a good idea to have one run for governor.

Number three, Katherine Harris, who was running against a popular incumbent senator in Florida. Who knows, she might have won if she hadn’t sacrificed her political future in order to steal the election for Bush in 2000. Or if Nader hadn’t been on the ballot, putting the election within “stealing distance.” Fucking Nader, ruins everything. Everything.


Finally, who will be president on January 20, 2009?
John McCain. Democrats were handed a victory this time around, but they haven’t figured out that whole “Presidential Election” thing. Maybe if Bill Clinton could do all of the campaigning and make people forget it’s actually Hillary’s name on the ticket, things would work out, but I doubt it.
Nancy Pelosi. Bush, of course, will die somehow. He can’t expect to outlive the curse that claimed Lincoln, McKinley, FDR, Kennedy, and all the rest; he’s no Ronald Reagan, and Reagan barely cheated death. Obviously Cheney will last about ten minutes before his tenth heart attack finally delivers the knock-out punch. So it will be Nancy Pelosi on the morning of January 20, 2009. Since you didn’t ask me who will be president the rest of that day, I’ll stop before making some wild, outrageous prediction.

That’s all for this special edition of Incipiat Turba Sports Wrap. Join us next time when we discuss the latest on the Bowl Championship Series, the NFL playoffs, and the NASCAR Nextel Cup!


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